What makes a thumping, sweaty dungeon filled with preening idiots so enjoyable? I’m exhausted striving to fit into the ‘scene’, trying to conform to society’s narrow definition of ‘youth’. Carefree, spontaneous and enjoys living in the moment. It might be a generalisation, but that’s the impression I get. The whole situation is so repulsive to me. In recent times, I’ve been pondering nightclubs and it got me thinking. Am I right to detest nightclubs so much?
Nightclubs are venues that come alive after dark. They offer young’uns a place to socialise, dance and play pass the parcel with venereal diseases. From the dance floor to the laser light show, to the DJs ruining your brainbox with modern crap. Yes, it’s true, nightclubs are hell…
Sure, I’m happy to part with my money so I can immerse myself in this vibrant place teeming with horny strangers. Sigh. Nightclubs are not to my liking. I can’t stand them. And if they’re not to your liking, there’s nothing to gain from the experience.
I never quite understood the allure. Not only because nightclubs come to life long after I’ve gone to bed…
Here are my Top 9 reasons I hate the nightlife.
1. Too Much Money!
Nightclubs are great when it comes to draining your wallet. You shell out for an entrance fee for… reasons. One that isn’t exactly cheap. What on Earth am I paying for? To stand on your dank sticky floor in a dark room?
And what do I get from the night? Awful music blasting from the speakers that I can’t even choose. And don’t even get me started on the outrageous prices they charge for drinks. Who thought it was a good idea to charge so much? The answer, of course, is something, something, capitalism…
If they’re going to charge that much, I want the best damn experience of my life. Give me a cup of green tea and play some Crystals for me.
2. Too Much Noise!
You enjoy the company of your friends, which is why they’re your friends. If you’re lucky enough to have any, of course. You appreciate chatting with them, exchanging stories and laughing together.
So it makes perfect sense that you choose to hang out with them in a location where talking is difficult, right? I don’t think it’s acceptable to turn up at a nightclub with earplugs. You know, something to defend you from the experience.
It’s like going to the pictures wearing a blindfold…
3. No Music Choice!
Oh, it’s worth repeating. Because, as we all know, all modern music sucks. The DJ doesn’t consider what the crowd wants to listen to. No, this night is his and his alone.
Do you want to approach him to request a specific song? God help you if he doesn’t have it. This isn’t like one of those movies where you can waltz up to him and make your song request. He’ll give you the cold shoulder. Or pretend you don’t exist.
You can’t speak to anyone over this dreadful din. The only thing echoing through the nightclub was the awful song the DJ chose to play on repeat for the tenth time…
4. Drinks Too Much!
I have a confession. I don’t, nor have I ever, drunk alcohol. Yet even for me, I fail to see the joy in bracing myself for the irresistible offer of a discounted shot. The cheapest drink in any nightclub. £4 if you’re lucky. The only affordable indulgence in that place.
Never mind spending your time around drunks. Not a pleasant experience. Yet it feels as if there is no choice. Succumbing to the allure of the shots is not only inevitable, it will lead to an unfortunate outcome…
5. Too Much Bonking!
Let me tell you something, my friend. It’s safe to say that some people need to relax. I mean, for goodness sake! I spent my hard-earned money to enter this nightclub so I can dance, have a good time and enjoy the company of my friends.
Not that I have any friends, because I don’t. I also don’t dance. And my idea of a ‘good time’ is a game of Scrabble, but that’s beside the point.
I’m not a fan of witnessing people engaging in public displays of affection. From making out to getting too ‘familiar’. Nor the sloppy madness of a finger in one orifice or another. Everyone should feel free to express themselves. But could you choose a more private setting for that kind of lewd behaviour?
I don’t care about a few kisses, hand-holding, dancing or anything of the sort. I’m referring to the stuff you should only do in the privacy of your boudoir. My poor eyes do not want to witness your not-so-secret shenanigans!
I’ve never had a one-night stand and I have no interest in it. They are awful. Yet in the nightclub, I run the risk of strangers approaching me! Oh no! Their hands are everywhere! I don’t even know your name! No! Don’t touch that! That’s a fifth date thing!
If I ever considered a hookup with a total stranger, I’d have to do it in a room packed with nosy onlookers. Call me old-fashioned, but that doesn’t tickle my fancy…
6. Too Many People!
And that’s the problem. Crowded and bustling, everyone crammed together, forever in motion. The sheer number of people is overwhelming. It feels like an invasion of your personal space, whether you want it or not.
So prepare yourself. Many people will come into contact with you. And a few may even step on your toes. Gee, this night is sounding sure swell, right?
7. Pointless, Pointless, Pointless!
Getting ready for a night out feels like an eternity. And it’s all in vain. I don’t like choosing an outfit and it doesn’t ignite any excitement in me. I know that preparing for a night out takes two hours, which I could have put to better use.
Stepping into a nightclub, all my efforts dissolve in an instant. It’s too dark for anyone to see me. And almost immediately, I’m drenched in sweat. People pack the nightclub, the temperature at an unbearable level. And it feels like everyone is always trampling on my feet, only adding to my frustration.
Only 10 minutes into this ill-fated adventure, I’m already beyond exasperated…
8. Yes! Foot Torture!
At the nightclub, you have two options. Either throw some shapes on the dance floor or stand around. Forget about finding a comfy seat on a sofa. Or even a cushion to sit on the floor you’ve paid so much to stand on. Chances are, amorous couples engaged in abhorrent behaviour have taken these luxuries. Is it only me that doesn’t want to have an orgasm in a room filled with strangers?
It’s quite amusing how pitiful you feel in moments like these. Your legs and feet ache. You can’t get even a moment of respite. Your wallet is empty. Strangers want to kiss you and have sex with you. YUCK. The music is awful and you’ve gone deaf. Soon you’ll realise you’ll be so numb tomorrow that you’ll have plenty of time to regret all your life choices.
Brilliant!
9. And the Rest!
Get ready to be on your feet for several hours. Forget about grabbing a bite to eat. Unless you count the lemon in your Coke. And watch out, because someone will spill their drink on you. Oh, and don’t forget about the potential stranger danger lurking around.
You GOTTA dance! There’s nothing else to do, after all. Yet not everyone is a dancer. It’s not my thing. And I worry about women who use it as a metric for an ideal partner. That’s not a normal thing to think, right?
Oh, and the toilets are forever dreary…
Kudos to the Disco Boy
Why do I hate nightclubs?
I felt pressured to ‘act my age’ when I was younger, that going to nightclubs should be a regular occurrence. It bothered me. As if not conforming to certain expectations makes me ‘obnoxious’.
As a teenager and a twentysomething, you should adore the nightclub. And go clubbing all the time, right?
Yet I never did. And I’m glad about that. But many people would call me a freak for that. For not going to the nightclub. Where the dance floor is always packed. Sticky with spilt drinks. And the music blasting so loud it’s hard to hear anything else. And those so-called ‘friends’? Oh yes, that’s right. They’ve left you all alone to screw guys they don’t even know.
Eurgh.
I often ponder the same question: why do people do this to themselves?
And then it hit me. Nightclubs are for beautiful people and great dancers, but no one else. This is beyond the reach of someone as ugly and shy as me. What it comes down to is drugs. It’s the piece of the puzzle I’ve been missing all these years. All these years of hating myself for not wanting to go anywhere near a nightclub. Feeling so out of place.
Of course nightclubs are dreadful! It’s the idiots who indulge in drugs that make the nightclubs so enjoyable. And I’ve never touched a single drug. It’s like a lightbulb lit up above my head. There is nothing wrong with me for hating nightclubs. Because they weren’t made for me, right?
I hold no grudges against those who revel in the excitement of clubbing. It’s your world, not mine. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. For me, I prefer the cosy comforts of my home. I find solace in watching captivating television shows, lounging on my comfortable sofa. My face buried in a sponge cake.
As I grow older, I’m understanding the opinions of others hold little significance to me.
Embrace who you are and don’t worry about fitting in, even if others don’t get where you’re coming from…
“The public wants work which flatters its illusions.”
– Gustave Flaubert (novelist and short story writer).
Peace Out :|:
Post DCLXXI: What do you think of nightclubs, reader?
The Indelible Life of Me 
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