Welcome!

These are the madcap ramblings of an introvert. Writing about my life, ideas and thoughts enables me to share with the world my thoughts, and often accident prone life, in a way I am not able to otherwise do. This blog is an outlet for the extrovert that will always be buried deep inside of...

The Most Powerful Fun Ruiner in the World

They say misery loves company. If this is true, I can confirm I am in a passionate love affair with misery, but not a sexy love affair on the Italian Riviera with oysters for breakfast and chocolate bedazzled pillows. More like some seedy motel with a 2p condom machine that dispenses regret and oozes harmful...

Loving to Bore Your Pants Off

If a tree falls in the woods… why the hell should I care? Imagine you’re at a party. Let’s say an irreligious friend has chosen to Christen their baby because it’ll look good on Instagram. You’re stuck at this shindig as a show of good faith, but you don’t know anyone there. The thump, thump,...

The Joy of the Last Lonely Soldier

The joy of the last lonely soldier, Wandering through the empty battlefield, riddled with blight, This is life without companionship. Too late to the battle of life, too late to the fight. There is no one left but him, Memories of what was and what could be left scattered. As someone so alone he is...

The Most Boring Post on Logic You’ll Ever Read

If there’s just one thing that rankles my potatoes, it’s a poorly organised wardrobe. And that’s coming from me, an expert potato wrankler. Did you know that some people don’t have a wardrobe etiquette? One assumes this is the ‘anarchy’ The Sex Pistols sang of. I simply cannot understand these incompetent buffoons who THRUST their...

Why You Never See Shorts That Actually Work

Going without shorts has made me a better person. Imagine the Alpha Male. His flamboyant muscles bulge beneath his skin-tight t-shirt. Like the vein on a frustrated geography teacher’s head, a child unable to find America. The cotton-eyed hipster shacket nestles with ease below his Calvin Klein-scented chin. Cotton-smooth skin swims with the chemicals of...

Why Being a Clean Freak Is the Right Choice for You

Do you think spring cleaning should be an Olympic sport? Imagine the exhilaration of 80,000 expectant eyes peering down from the stands above, their lips parched with anticipation as you peruse your cleaning bag. And then… GASP! She didn’t! Oh, heavens! She’s taken the linen cloth from her bag of cleaning wonders to remove the...

The Many Signs That Regret Is Not Good for You

Love is like a colonoscopy. You’re happy to have it but nobody would pay to see it. Do you ever make a decision and then regret it? Or do you ever say something you later wished you hadn’t said? Regret is one of the most common feelings we experience in our lives. We often think...

The Crummy Dummy’s Guide to Embracing Your Stupidity

Do you remember that opera? Oh, wait. No. Operas are for the super-rich. But surely you must remember that wonderful moment in that classic piece of literature? Nope. We didn’t all go to private school, you know. But come on, you MUST remember that famous theatre production… nope. Do you know how many theatres there...

The Tooth of the Truth of Tooth’s Truth

There is no smile worse than an American smile. I know the Americans think the British have terrible teeth, but on average, Brits have among the healthiest teeth on Earth and Americans have among the worst. By the age of 12, the average Brit has 0.7 missing teeth, compared to 1.3 in America. So the...

A Life Through Nose Coloured Glasses

Oh, the joy of picking one’s nose, A disgusting habit most sure. But it made for a rather joyously revolting prose. We see such habits as bad but they continue to lure. We are made to feel embarrassment and guilt. We are besotted by terror if we may be caught, But we should feel no...