How to Embrace Your Inner Cockroach amid a Sea of Apocalyptic Vibes

Here’s the story of a flat arse, keeping it real, and fighting for your right to eat pie. Exercise is for the weak. A special brand of individuals with little to no regard for the average human body’s desire for bacon. They say life is to be enjoyed and lovers of exercise will profess the …

The Many Joys to Be Found in Ruining Other People’s Happiness

Here’s the story of sticking a child in a gutter, fun-ruiners, and stroking the zebra. Many people would be disheartened to learn of their lack of fun. Or even worse, find themselves labelled a ruiner of such. Of course, ‘fun’ is subjective. A lighthouse keeper may find keeping light in the house a whole bag …

The Bossy Hunt for the Millennial Falcons

Here’s the story of drunk geography, a difficult boss, and folding underpants. Many people have contemplated murdering their boss. While very few would ever go through with it, many unleash their pent-up rage in rage rooms and other such newfound millennial nonsense. They run the world now and I gave up trying to make sense …

The Complete History of Sex (by a Sexless Weirdo)

The Romans invented sex shortly before Vesuvius erupted. Their most common position was reverse cowgirl so she couldn’t see what was coming. Sex makes people do funny things. Whether it’s a potent symbol of love or to get something you want, or whether it’s to placate some innate desire of lust or indeed to ensure …

The Not-So Apocalyptic Credibility of the Eternally Sorry One

Here’s the story of a dizzy world, mistakes, and bootleg chocolate. The mistakes we make rarely cause World War III, at least not in this universe. There is, of course, a possibility that there exists a multiverse. That, for every decision we make, an alternative universe is created where a different choice was made. You …

Why I Refuse to Rage against the Dying of the Light

Here’s the story of the dingus of evolution, unbound rage, and not punching God. As one lies in a crumpled heap underneath the Christmas tree, one’s thoughts of beating the living snot out of said Christmas tree may be unwise. This is the emotion known as ‘rage’. Some would suggest is it cathartic to ‘teach …

The Death Wish of the Sleepless Drooling Wonder

Here’s the story of stressful brooks, the land of nod, and a banana telephone coffin. Entering a nap, one is seduced by the glossy centrefolds professing their love for the refreshing smoothness of the afternoon kip. However, the reality for most is that the nap is often something you do not have a great deal …

The Dalliance with Solitude through the Medium of Too Many Rhymes

Here’s the story of the tromboner, being all alone, and banana-geddon. There once was a very special man named Alan. He wondered if there was a rhyme for his name, settling on ‘gammon’, which isn’t great, more the shame. That’s not to say Alan doesn’t agree with this notion, he is most certainly a gammon, …

The Egotistical Baloney of Superman’s Never-Ending Follies

Here’s the story of dances with goats, pointless yoga, and horrendous trumping. If there ever was a more perfect three-word horror story than ‘bound angle pose’, I’ve yet to see it. In the evergreen world of agonising yoga, the bound angle pose is the act of sitting down, placing one’s feet together sole-to-sole, and leaning …

A Disgusting Revelation Involving Bodily Misgivings

Here’s the story of the right to fart, being gross in public, and snotty genitals. Everybody farts. It is a fundamental fact of humanity that cannot be prevented. Some see the humble guffaw as the most abhorrent and vile process that leaves the human body, whereas others are mortified that anyone can be criticised for …