A Not-So Sunny Disposition

Here’s the story of smoking Microsoft, the luck of unluck, and a cable tie to the eye. The computer blew up. It was not a spectacular explosion or indeed a particularly unexpected explosion, which probably says a lot of the computer’s previous maintenance or lack of. Nor was the reaction of I, your humble narrator, …

A Cosmic Screw Job

Here’s the story of cruddy eco-boxes, universal shenanigans, and a vanishing head. The universe is a box, but not a good box, the kind of incredulous tub-thumper conjured from the minds of those committed to inferior products to save what is left of planet Earth, failing to realise that such eco-cardboard is about as flimsy …

The Wondrous Revelations of a Mighty Poodle

Here’s the story of cartoon pie, the bank holiday, and rectal prejudice. If it was not for one deranged man’s somewhat baffling attempt to teach his dog to read, the humble bank holiday would not exist, a notion of itself baffling as banks are buildings and have no inherent desire to travel. Whilst the dog …

A Not-So-Close Shave

Here’s the story of a Valentine Day’s missive, the facial boom, and puffins. Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of America and America’s first puffin salesman. His 15 predecessors were completely beardless, rendering Honest Abe’s dishonestly beautiful chin hidden from admirers. In 1860, Grace Bedell wrote to Abe: ‘You would look a great deal better …

Marooned Five Ways from Sunday

Here’s the story of wizards of forecasting, luck, and odd sprouts. Stranded in the pouring rain, the old adage that when it rains, it pours, indicative of ennui gathering en masse but clearly not the whole story as, sometimes, when it rains, it’s only a mild drizzle. The belief here is that whatever will be, …

An Ode to the Migraine

Here’s the story of lime, agonising vice, and pitiful attempts to rhyme. As the swirl of an ice cream yet with the pain of the associated headache crucifying one upon the agonising deliciousness of the snack cross, the squiggle appears as some vast, heaving galaxy twirling into the oblivion of the black hole, devouring an …

The Un-Achiever

Here’s the story of a well-versed tadpole, ambition, and spoon lovers. The little tadpole that became the human race harboured few ambitions to skydive, his fondest ambition not to be eaten by some kind of primitive lava-proof giraffe or swallowed up by the vast molten hellscape that became London. Thankfully, few changes were required to …

The Calamity of Going Digital Free

Here’s the story of Teletext glory, internet freedom, and the endless wonder of lizards. Before the internet, there was nothing. An endless, vacuous void of absolute futility. A human race beholden to whatever movie was on the four television channels that night, hope glimmering in the heart at Christmas time for the inevitable ‘director’s cut’ …

The Perverted Orgy of Laminators

Here’s the story of hot boulders, the lonely office, and hairy leaves. One of the many fundamental truths of the cosmos is that the king of stationery is the humble laminator. Those who are not ‘lamheads’ will never revel in the majesty of the satisfaction of laminating a piece of paper, a unique cabal of …

Techgasm

Here’s the story of sex education whisky, being old and fabulous, and jazzy bananas. They say the youth of today are unaware of the fact they were ever born, a strange concept as it would imply they simply popped into existence rather than delivered by stork or by the product of one too many bottles …