The unmistakable clatter of the rattling bones enlivens a gloomy room like the cacophony of a grand piano falling on some poor chap’s head. One’s jellied legs tumble away as one falls to the ground in a delightful heap. The snap, crackle and pop of each creaking joint bemoans the stiff night’s sleep, while the howling noise emanating like a distressed whale is more to do with the fact it’s morning. Several agonising minutes later, this not-so-early-bird stumbles to his beleaguered feet, weary-eyed to the point where those weary eyes reimagine sleep gunk from seemingly nowhere, only moments after the last lot of sleep gunk was cleared. Where am I? And what day is it? Staggered like a drunk, he falls into the bathroom and tries his best to aim for the toilet. It’s somewhere over there, I think. At this rate, he’ll be lucky to find his trousers the correct way around. And on his legs. No, it was not a heavy night for our man face down in the shower, arse in the air as the gentle taps of the shower water provide a sensual buttock massage, snoozing away as evidenced by the bubbles in the thin puddle of water beneath his sleep deprived noggin, no, this man is I, your humble narrator. Regardless of the night previous, this is a typical morning. And this is my guide on how you too can get the most wonderful night’s sleep you’ve never had…
Tip 1: Deny the Dreamer
So there you are, tapping away on Twitter, as it shall always be named, very well aware of the fact your bedtime is rapidly approaching. Now, I know what you’re thinking, reader. What kind of 33-year-old man has a bedtime? Well, you see, it’s very important to go to bed at the same time each night. Scienticians will kindly inform you that this is so you can wake up in the morning feeling the freshest of daisy-pops.
Of course, this is complete nonsense but stay at it, kid…
The bedtime is a crucial part of getting a great night’s sleep. Even more crucial is completely ignoring it. This is Tip 1, something I have become very good at. Sure, your body SCREAMS at you to get some shut-eye, but you must always resist.
There are, of course, benefits to denying the dreamer. Why, you could fall asleep on the bus, miss your stop, turn up late for work and therefore have less work to do. Not that this ever happens to me…
Ahem.
Tip 2: Social Media, Baby!
So you’re after a great night’s sleep? And you’ve denied yourself your bedtime, whether for socials or because your favourite movie was on? That’s a great start. After all, how many times does ITV3 show Jurassic Park? Dear God, if I miss this showing, I’ll have to wait, what… three days? I can’t possibly do that!
Checking your socials, then. Whether it’s the fancy fleet-footed kittens perusing around your Twitter timeline like a nun on a bender, or your peering-peepers prolonging your misery as you flicker through your exes’ profiles on Facebook and whimper as they are all doing so well for themselves.
Don’t worry, my son. Reassure yourself that you were right when you pooh-poohed the idea of living together, resulting in an almighty argument in which she, not unsurprisingly, accused you of not committing to this relationship, despite the fact you’ve been in it together for five years, resulting in your breakup and her breakdown into the bed of another man. But hey, that’s what TikTok is for!
I assume it’s the modern-day equivalent of gorging oneself on ice cream with a ladle after enduring a breakup, I’m not on TikTok so I can’t possibly comment…
Whatever your social media platform of choice is, make sure you consume more of it than Augustus Gloop and chocolate. While you won’t get fat, all this social content will fry enough of the electrons in your brain to ensure you won’t get a wink of sleep.
This is my nightly routine and damn it all, it’s never done me wrong…
Tip 3: So Many Whales
If anything, I’d argue more than one whale is a problem. But clearly we enjoy the whales. So many whales. So many whales, in fact, that companies of glorious capitalism across our globe have committed to the white noise machine. Sometimes it’s a whale and sometimes… do you remember cathode ray tube televisions? They had that weird, white snowy stuff on it when the signal dropped.
Yeah, that noise. It’s funny, it never helped me sleep in the ‘90s. I distinctly remember being terrified, in truth, that some creepy woman was going to emerge from it and make me talk about my feelings…
Sleep aids are everywhere these days, like political instability and flying ants. It is important, in your quest for a good night’s sleep, to utilise as many sleep aids as possible. And not just the white noise machines, oh no!
Have you heard of apps? They’re all the rage, these days. There are apps out there that encourage you to take deep breaths. Some even hypnotise you. So if you’re thinking of buying a white noise machine, remember this: they are so distracting you will not be able to get a wink of sleep. Remember also to ignore the deep breaths and hypnosis, as it will make your body incredibly tingly and ever so itchy.
This level of ignorance is a hugely important part of my nightly routine and soon, it will be part of yours, too…
Tip 4: The Pillow Punch
A bit of an odd one, here, granted. But you’re doing so well, so far. You’re on your socials, you’re ignoring your bedtime and sleep aids, but now comes the crucial point in your quest for a good night’s sleep. Punch those pillows.
You see, we think of pillows as something good, but they’re really not. As you toss and turn at night, your pillows will mush themselves out of shape, thanks, in no small part, to the heaviness of your enormous head.
A quick way to remedy this is to punch the pillows before you go to sleep, as if you’re trying to ‘pre-empt’ the mushiness. Everyone does this. Everyone has some kind of pillow regime right before they go to bed. And I highly recommend it.
After all, it never works and your head will, inevitably, slip between the two pillows, resulting in a tremendous amount of neck pain that no amount of yoga will solve, no matter how many times millennial yoga enthusiasts with an unhealthy obsession with kale smoothies claim…
Tip 5: The Grand Tosser
You’re doing really well in your quest for a good night’s sleep. But there are a few things to deal with. Namely, the uncontrollable. Now, we all love a good toss in bed. Sometimes, several a night. But, of course, you can’t control your tossing.
So just what does it mean to be a grand tosspot? Well, we all toss. And turn. And toss some more. In fact, the more you toss and turn, the less sleep you will get. It’s like eating a dodgy curry. The thing is, you’ll never be able to control what happens in your tum-tum, but you’ve made every effort to ensure it won’t be pleasant.
The great thing about this tip is that you’ve already done it! In firing all those electrons into your brain, your Tik Tok torture and Tinder tickling, and going to bed well over your allotted bedtime, you will ensure that, even though you’re asleep, you will toss and turn like the best tossers who have ever lived.
Boris Johnson, for example.
Tip 6: The Delightfully Crotchety Waker-Upper
You’re well on your way, reader. But there are a few more tips I have. Namely, wake the hell up! It’s all well tossing and turning, but you MUST do all you can to wake up as much as possible throughout the night. A great tip here is to place a pile of bricks along one side of the bed.
Toss, turn, toss, turn, turn, THWACK! Oh, dear God! There’s blood everywhere! Hey! It worked! I’m awake! Not for long, granted, what with all this blood loss…
Of course, you may not want to hit yourself in the face with a brick. And I get that. Bricks are expensive. But eating right before bed is another wonderful way to ensure you will wake up many times throughout the night. Doctors recommend eating no later than three hours before bed, but Doctor Ally over here strongly recommends no later than three minutes before bed.
Drinking plenty of water is also a good idea if you’re under 30, but once you’re over that threshold, you won’t have to worry about waking up several times a night to pee…
Tip 7: The Early Bird Catches the… Dear God! It’s Still Dark!
Ah yes, the early morning. That most fetid, foul-stenching pathetic excuse of a time. Do you know early-morning people? They’re insufferable, aren’t they? I know someone who wakes up at five in the morning, slams on the radio as loudly as possible, and exercises. I mean, who knew there’s a five in the morning?
If you live next door to him, my condolences…
Simply put, human beings were not meant to wake up before noon. And we are supposed to have a minimum of 10 hours a night. But, believe it or not, getting up nice and early is a great way to start your day. You will be so enamoured with grumpiness that your grumpitude will remain with you for the rest of the day.
So wake up nice and early! What better way to treat your day than to be a complete and utter bastard to everyone you meet? You’ll be ‘bah-humbugging’ like the best of them, kicking open doors, slamming windows shut, aggressively filling out forms at work, burning the pencil to a nub. Steam will pour from your ears.
No more will you have to suffer the indignity of being nice…
Tip 8: A Self-Inflicted Anger Bomb
Now, I know you’re angry. And that’s good. A good night’s sleep should always leave you feeling angry. But, and this may shock you, there is such a thing as not enough anger. Why, you might wake up only mildly annoyed. And that’s fine, if you want to be a half-arser on these matters, but simply put, this is not good enough.
You need to be angry. Those heavy bags under your eyes may tell people you’re tired and in a mood, but you really need to show them. From moment one, you need to be a dick to as many people as possible as punishment for your excellent night’s sleep.
Don’t hold back. That loving dog that laps and licks your chops? Push him to one side. “Not today, doggo!” That adorable three-year-old daughter you have, rushing toward you with some kind of misplaced hug attack? “You were an accident!” That wife lovingly cooking your breakfast? I love you, honey! “Yeah well, this entire marriage was a mistake…”
It doesn’t really matter what you say or who you say it to. It doesn’t really matter if you mean it. But you have to be this way. There’s no other way. It’s absolutely essential, if you want a good night’s sleep, to be the worst version of yourself.
Grump like you mean it. And grump hard…
Tip 9: The Messy Messiah
Ah, now this is a great tip. Because you feel bad in the morning, your instinct is to tidy up. Tidy house, tidy mind. Of course, those who profess this old adage are perverts. How the cleanliness of one’s home results in cleanliness of thought baffles me.
Put it another way: if you accidentally run over a puppy, do you really think a spot of hoovering will make a jot of difference to your conscience?
Do not make your bed, leave it ruffled and tuffled with delightful glee. Leave the bed unevenly placed, with more duvet on one side than the other. Leave the bottom sheet in its new position, sprung from the corner after your night of tossing.
If you did the anger right, I’d recommend leaving the bed you tipped over, tipped over, as a show of just how angry you were…
After all, what’s the point of making your bed? You’ll only end up back there again in six hours, or seven if you fall asleep on the bus like I always do.
Falling asleep on public transit is a great sign you’re properly following my tips…
Tip 10: Repeat
Simple as that. Do the previous nine tip every night and boom, before you know it, you too will be a master of a great night’s sleep…
How to Sleep in Wonderful Misery
Do you want a great night’s sleep? Then simply follow my handy tips! After all, I do each and every one of them each and every night and what do I manage each and every night? Ooh, I tell you what, I manage a good three hours, four if I’m lucky…
So remember, stay up past your bedtime. Gorge on social media late into the night! Ignore the breathing exercises and remember, the white noise machine will keep you awake. Which is good, because you MUST toss and turn as much as possible. And, of course, wake yourself up as much as possible. Oh, and wake up when it’s dark.
And most importantly of all, hate everything. And repeat.
If you want to get as good a night’s sleep as I do, why wouldn’t you follow these handy tips? I live by them and I have for some time. As evidenced by the truly insane nature of my three blogs. And I’m absolutely fine!
I DON’T MIND NEVER SLEEPING, IT’S TRULY WONDERFUL! LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! WOO, I’M SO HAPPY! Please, I don’t want you to kill me right now…
So choose to be the best version of yourself. And you too can be just like me.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller (stand-up comedian).
Peace Out :|:
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