The Folly of Pinot Grigio


Here’s the story of wine, mother, and pigeons.

Let me start by saying, I am, most definitely, older than 18. When somebody says to me, “You’re clearly not over 18,” when I’m nearly 27, I don’t know if I should be insulted or not. On the one hand, I should be delighted that people think I look younger than I am. On the other hand, it does have consequences. Like being unable to buy booze. By my age, you stop carrying around ID with you because you assume others aren’t stupid enough to mistake you for an under 18. But here I am, in a shop, trying to buy a bottle of wine for mum and dad being asked for some ID. I do think the shopkeep was having a bad day. I handed her my driving license. “Nope, that’s not you.” It was, but admittedly, I am 16 in that photo, so, I had to hand her my passport. She struggled to believe that was me, as well, and, at this point, I became worried she was stalling because she’d activated some silent alarm and I was about to be tackled to the ground by angry policemen. Making it the first arrest in history to be accompanied by the words, “I ONLY WANTED A FRUITY PINOT GRIGIO!”

Because of this Christmas folly, I decided against going through a similar trauma for Mothering Sunday, which is this week, of course. Although, if you are wondering, I did manage to convince the shopkeep last time to sell me the wine. I still wonder why she asked me what I was going to do with it, though. “Oh, I like it on my Cornflakes…”

I couldn’t really decide on what to buy mother. Since I’m a logical chap, I did the logical thing and I constructed an Excel spreadsheet. Basically, and this is fascinating, I decided the best thing to do was divide the spreadsheet into a column marked ‘suggestions,’ and then a row listing the pros and cons. Hey, don’t tell me that isn’t fascinating. I’m sure there are plenty of psychiatrists who would beg to differ.

My first idea was Australian dollars. I must stress, she’s going to Australia for a month, soon, it wasn’t a suggestion. “Here mum, I hope you take this as a hint to start a new life down under!” That would be an awful thing to do to mum. Dad, on the other hand…

I opted against the money as I’d have to give her at least 100 dollars, which would be well over £50, and she would never let me spend that kind of money on her. No, seriously. I once gave her some spending money for a birthday and she gave me most of it back. “It’s too much, I’m not taking it.” It was only £50. You might wonder why I’d have to buy her £50 worth of Australian dollars, and you people… clearly, have never been to Australia. I’m not kidding, you cannot buy a loaf of bread over there for less than a tenner. Seriously. A packet of gum will cost you five pounds. If you earn between $40,000 and $50,000 dollars over there, you’re considered extremely poor. My message here really is… don’t go to Australia unless you really have to.

So that ruled out money. You see, my spreadsheet idea was already working a treat. I then considered a jigsaw as, like most retired people, she really enjoys her jigsaws. I then thought this would be an extremely strange gift for Mothering Sunday and plus, she always does them with dad, so it’s not really a gift for her, as such. This ruled out the jigsaw.

At this point, you might be wondering why I didn’t just do what everyone else does, you know, buying mother some cheap flowers from the petrol station. I know nothing about flowers, for a start. I don’t even think she has a favourite flower, but trust me, there are many flowers she doesn’t like. It’s a very recent occurrence this, and I don’t know why. She’s also recently really started to hate pigeons. She got a huge birdfeeder thing for the garden and I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve caught her running outside to chase away the pigeons with a broom…

Secondly, I still live with mum and dad so she’d see the flowers when I come home with them. And you can’t give a Mothering Sunday gift before Sunday. It’s like opening a Christmas gift on Halloween. And as for ordering some online, I don’t have a credit card, and nobody will lend me one. People don’t trust me with their money, and to be fair, I wouldn’t trust me with it either.

Chocolates was an option, but I did get her chocolates for Mothering Sunday once before and dad shouted at me. “YOU ONLY GOT HER CHOCOLATES! Is that it! What’s wrong with you!” I admit, it wasn’t an experience as traumatic at the fruity pinot grigio incident, but it’s a close second. Also, mum doesn’t really like chocolates. And she really doesn’t like smelly stuff such as perfume, so you can see just how vital my spreadsheet was proving. You’re still not convinced are you? What’s that? Ask my friends for advice? I DON’T HAVE ANY! I may as well talk to my bedroom wall, instead.

So I got her a gift voucher. I was going to buy her a £20 one, but I opted for a £25 one instead because the old five pound notes are about to go out of circulation and I’m desperately trying to get rid of them. Oh, and… you know, because I love mum. Mainly that one. You know, forget I mentioned the old fivers. Although I suspect she’ll be getting a shit load of one pound coins for Easter. They’re about to go out of circulation, too…

I also got her some chocolates because she always gets loads of them for Easter and, as I said, she’s not overly fond of them. Getting her them now is the key. I just get her a teddy for Easter, usually. I never know what to buy people for Easter, though. When I was young and stupid, I resolved that issue by not bothering to buy anybody anything for Easter, but I’m not 25 anymore. Ahem.

It might seem like a lot of trouble, but at the end of the day, I love my mum. She’s always been there for me. She’s wonderfully wonderful and… wonderfully mad, come to think of it. I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better mum. Admittedly, I could’ve asked for one a lot less mad, but I don’t think the last 26 years would’ve been as fun.

That said, I don’t think I’ll attempt to buy her wine again for a while…

Albanian-Indian Roman Catholic nun and missionary, Mother Teresa (1910-1997), once said: “Peace begins with a smile…”

Peace Out :|:

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Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other blog:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday
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