Post CCLXXXVII
Here’s the story of nails, sameness, and pessimistic optimism.
For my 2017 New Year’s Resolution, I’m going to give up biting my nails and… end world hunger. I fear the latter might be a bit easier. I don’t see much of a point in New Year’s Resolutions, readers. It’s a new year, big whoop. The passage of time has followed a linear progression and to celebrate time behaving as it should, I’m going to give up something I enjoy that will, in all likelihood, make my life a little bit worse. Why don’t people take something up, instead? Like smoking! Oh, wait, no, that’s a bad idea. The problem is, there’s nothing I really want to do. Plus, I have really, really, really tried hard to stop biting my nails in 2016 and I just couldn’t manage it. I was literally born without willpower, which I know isn’t much of a surprise considering willpower is a human concept and doesn’t actually exist, but so is time and we’re all getting ready to celebrate a new year soon, so, you know. You humans do love a fallacy…
It’s traditional for me to take a hearty look back at the year gone and gaze in wonder at the majesty of it all. Sadly, this year, when I look back, I scream. Real loud, too. Like a proper, guttural, “ARRRRGH!” To 2018 me reading back on this, I do hope 2017 wasn’t as bad as 2016. Also, I hope you still have long hair, you’ve found a girl stupid enough to take your cherry and you’ve become a trillionaire. Admittedly, there aren’t any on the planet at the moment, but scientists are expecting the first one any day now. Hey, aim high in life, readers. Aim low and you’ll just spend your entire life looking at other people’s feet.
That sounded more profound in my head.
So, what did 2015 me have to say to 2016 me? Are you still following? I hope someone is, because I became lost quite some time ago. Oh, I complained about my age. I do that a lot, to be fair. I couldn’t fathom the fact I’d be 26 in 2016. I do have to agree with past me that current me is getting on a bit. I used to walk up the stairs and be out of breath at the top. When I now arrive at the top, I need a hip replacement…
I made some accurate predictions, too. ‘I still sit here desperate for those things to happen and a bit saddened by the fact that I’ll be reading this in 2017 knowing they still haven’t happened.’ Mmm. That’s true. I still haven’t done those things. Namely, kissing and… how did I put it last year? Ah, that’s right. Rumpy-pumpy. Although I can confirm that my worst fears back then, that my genitals will have fallen off due to a lack of use, hasn’t come true. Yet, that is.
And then there’s the job situation. Or lack of a job situation, as it has become known. I started the year working at the world’s coldest radio station and ended working at a design and print company, but both are work experience. I can only apologise, again, to past me that current me still isn’t in paid work, something I desperately wanted at the start of the year. Still, there’s always 2017! If you haven’t got a job, 2018 me, reading this account from 2016 me about 2017 me… I think… I will not be a happy bunny. I want you to be reading this in 2018 in a golden mansion in LA. Okay, I suppose you can aim so high you crick your neck, but that’s not the point…
Ha! Oh, Lord. I swear this is a coincidence. I made a resolution to stop biting my nails. I forgot I did that. Oh, I’m sorry to past me. I’ve failed you again. Again. And again. I promise, this year, I’ll give it a go. Maybe. Well, probably. Probably not. What? Willpower is a human construct! I have none! None, people!
2016 can’t all be a failure, surely. No job. Fine. No rumpy-pumpy. Fine. No kissy-kissy. Fine. Knackered joints. Fine. Failed at my resolution. Fine. But… but… no, there is no but. That sounds like I haven’t had a great year, does it? I had a friend at the start of the year, too. I wrote with great eagerness about where that might go in 2016 and… it went down the toilet. Ah, well. Add ‘still friendless’ to the list.
Aha! One good thing happened! I became an uncle for a third time. Three nephews now. Oh, what’s that? What’s he like? I don’t know. He’s living 10,500 miles away. But still, it’s great news. I won’t get to see him for a couple years, but at least he’s happy and healthy.
Not all my predictions came true. Sadly. I wished 2016 would be a happy and peaceful year. One of great joy and less violence. Erm… I don’t think I’d make a great psychic, would I?
I don’t think there’s much else to report on for my year gone. I’m still the same as I was at the start of the year. I haven’t changed a bit in fact. A new addition to the family and mother has retired, but other than that, I’m the same old loveable loser I was at the start of the year. Sorry, did I say ‘loveable loser’? I meant ‘miserable loner.’ Always getting those two mixed up…
At the beginning of the year I hoped for a good paying job. Nope. Never know what could happen at the end of my current work experience, though. Fingers crossed that I will be getting some moolah come the end of 2017. Maybe looking for a place of my own, although God help me when that happens. I hoped for a girlfriend. Nope. Ah, they’re too much trouble, anyway. I hoped for no more virginity and no more shyness. Well, I’m sure sex is overrated. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. And I wanted to, finally, start my life. And that hasn’t happened. Hopefully it will in 2017.
One thing I did accurately predict is that none of these things was going to happen. It’s so tragic when you can guess exactly, to the smallest detail, what life your future self is going to be living. So, you know what, readers? I’m not doing that this year. Nope. I’m gonna be positive. Yup. All my hopes and dreams are gonna come true. I’m gonna get a real good job and meet a gorgeous dame and we’re gonna make love under the moonlight as much as I can manage every week. Two times, three tops. I’m gonna get a nice house and start growing some vegetables and a money tree. They exist. They exist, I tells ya! I’m gonna be happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life and – I’m gonna buy a… CAT! Erm, apparently, erm, yes! Why not! I’ll call her Rocket…
All that is definitely gonna happen. Definitely, definitely, definitely… no, it won’t will it? Nothing good ever happens to me. Knowing my luck, I’ll probably end the year in a ditch somewhere with a wet dog nibbling on my foot.
And on that jolly note, happy new year…
American author, Robert Clark (b. 1952), once wrote: ‘I would say happy new year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.’
Happy New Year :|:
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