Here’s the story of brain hating, lettuce, and burger juice.
Are exploding burgers normal? I didn’t know they did that. Maybe the pig’s spirit had come back from the dead and it was seeking revenge on the person who bought its perfectly round, thick, juicy, succulent meatiness. Or maybe I’m a crap cook. I don’t know if turning on an oven and bunging some food in makes me a cook, but if a woman asked me on a date if I cooked, I’d most certainly say yes. The fault here isn’t mine for cooking her beans on toast, it’s hers for having expectations far too high. I don’t know what happened, readers. There I was, ‘cooking’ my incredibly healthy dinner. I took the tray with the burger out the oven, went to pick one up with the tongs to flip it over, and when I grabbed it, it just exploded on me. Not… not into smithereens, of course. If that were true, I’d probably be in a morgue right now. Something just, ‘burst.’ I can’t really explain it. Still, I’m glad it didn’t literally blow up into smithereens. Death by exploding burger is not how I want people to remember me, if I’m being honest…
You might think I didn’t eat it after this endeavour. Oh, you haven’t met me. I’m that guy you know who’ll eat food off the floor, even if the 30 second rule has turned into 30… hours. It wasn’t just burgers I was having for my din-dins, though. No, I also had a couple slices of bacon. Two of the thickest burgers you’ve ever seen, draped in bacon and cheese. They didn’t fit into the buns I got out to put them in, nor did they really fit into my mouth. Still, I wasn’t feeling very well, so I think I deserved my deluxe super bacon cheeseburgers. It’s like when women fall ill and they start going through tubs of ice-cream at an alarming rate. Makes them feel better, you know. When I’m not well, I go through meat like a docker. Well, you only live once. Probably. Although if I do come back, I’ll take better care of my next body, I promise. Unless they’ve invented like, I don’t know, super tasty future bacon, then sod it, that’s another body down the toilet.
Mum and dad are away, leaving me in charge for a whole 12 days. I haven’t burnt the house down. Yet. Although the kitchen is covered in bits of exploded burger juice, so, you know, not ideal considering we’ve only had that kitchen for a month. That previously gleaming white kitchen. ‘Previously’ being the operative word.
I was looking forward to my first day alone, a Friday no less. Lots of great television to consume. Lots of extremely healthy food to eat. Stay up late, do what I want, drink what I want, eat what I want. I was considering putting a thin slice of lettuce on the top of the burger, just in case any gym addicts are reading. I knew I couldn’t manage to eat all that for dinner, so I had to sacrifice something. It is arguable that sacrificing lettuce in this situation was probably never gonna lighten the load on my stomach, but I beg to differ. I’m always doing that. Begging to differ. Begging in general, in fact. Do you have any change? I could really go for some, right now…
Sadly, on my way home from my work experience (yes, I’m still there) I noticed something strange. The reflection in the bus window duplicated. I was seeing double. I got this ever so slight twinge in my noggin. I knew what it was. I didn’t want to admit it because I knew it would ruin my Friday night I had all planned out. Another migraine. 11 this year. I’m well on course to beat my 13 of last year. It’s funny, isn’t it? You work so hard. You do so much. You try your best. And all you get for your endeavours is pain and misery. Yet there are literally thousands of bums doing jack all and they’re always peachy. “What did you do, today?” “I sat in front of a computer all day playing Xbox. And tonight, I’m going out partying until four in the morn, hopefully getting much sex in the process. Just my everyday life, really. You?” “Well, I too sat in front of a computer all day, and my brain is now trying to kill me, so I’ll be in bed all night.” Ridiculous…
Stressed out at work. Screaming kids on the bus. Extremely tired and hungry. I should’ve known a migraine was coming. Hunger is the number one sign. Ah, well. I was determined to let it not get in the way. After a quick power nap to sleep off the crazy visions we migraine suffers get when the migraine hits, I was back downstairs pronto to make my lovely dinner. Sure, I was crying and blood was pouring from my nose, something that does happen to migraine suffers now and again, but I wanted my dinner. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU, MR. THUMPING HEADACHE! YOU’RE NOT RUINING MY FRIDAY, YOU BASTARD!” Some say shouting at your brain to leave you alone is the first sign of madness.
When you really get into a film or a comedy programme, it is quite easy to ignore the pain. I took my pills and got on with life. They also helped me to ignore the three huge ulcers I have in my mouth. And that ingrown toenail. I’m not in fighting shape, readers, I guess is my point, here. And I had a nasty shaving incident. Don’t shave when you have a migraine. It’s very hard to concentrate and you will end up slicing a huge chunk of your chin off. I’ve never seen so much blood. Still, I quite liked my white shirt in red. I wonder if they do a red version…
So I enjoyed my burgers. I enjoyed my day despite every single ounce of fate trying to ruin it. It’s been a tough week and a tough end to the week. We had the local newspaper in where I work. We’re a very small and new business. The journalist wanted to take photos and interviews. I was too frightened so I went and hid in the toilet. The boss said it was fine, but now I feel a bit bad I didn’t take the opportunity, really. The curse of the shy one. Always convincing yourself not to do something. Go for it, I say. You know, as long as it’s not stupid like wading through a river or throwing yourself off a rock. Ahem.
I am sorry I am a bit all over the place today. I’m still not right. My head will be thumping for weeks and migraines do really exhaust you. I can’t think all that straight at the moment. It’s a funny state to be in. Because your vision still isn’t right, you see things that aren’t always there, like lights or you might have double vision. Little things preoccupy your mind, too. I’m so tired, forgetful, exhausted, hungry and tired, that I’ve become convinced I’ve been bitten by a spider and I’ll drop dead any second now. When I know that I’d be feeling much more ill than I currently do if a spider had chomped his fangs into me.
Still, not as crazy as it sounds. I live the northeast of England and several people here in the last week or two have been taken to hospital after being bitten by spiders. I’ve already seen six of these poisonous buggers and killed them all. Still, I have this red rash with two red dots in the middle. Hmm. If you don’t hear from me again, you’ll know why.
That or I’ve been killed in a horrible burger explosion…
British novelist, Jasper Fforde (b. 1961), once wrote: “Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissance is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can’t be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea.”
Peace Out :|:
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