Gertrude the Merciless

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Here’s the story of carrots, migraines, and poison.

It’s never a good sign when you clean your carpets and in the black and murky waters is a colony of microscopic highly intelligent life forms singing ‘We Are Sailing’. I mean, in that scenario, I’d be more concerned with the fact that I could actually hear them, suggesting there was a sizeable number of them. Then again, it could just be a few hardy opera singers, but that’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve heard all day. Hmm. These carpets haven’t been cleaned in 10 years. And I don’t know much about carpet cleaning, but I do know that it results in a huge bucket of water. The one for my carpet was black. Jet black water! It makes you wonder what else is lurking in the shadows of my bedroom. I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if a highly intelligent colony had sprung up somewhere. Imagine that. I’d be their God. Or their devil. Oh God, imagine that devilish scenario. You may think I’ve gone a touch mad, but I haven’t been very well this week. I’m falling apart, readers. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if a leg just fell off…

You’d think I’d have peace of mind what with all the nasty gubbins washed away. Well, maybe. But I’m a little sad all the carpet bugs have just been massacred. Not too sad. If I were really sad about it, I’d be, what, a level 10 ultra-vegan? Maybe. Aww. Ah, well. Sod’s Law. Maybe. I don’t really know what that phrase means, I just like it. Sod’s Law for the bugs. Probably.

You may remember that I had a migraine last Friday. It did politely bugger off, but, funny story, it came back on Sunday. Like, a billion times more painful. But that also buggered off. But then it came back, worse than ever. Like Ming the Merciless. And then it went again. And then I had sporadic headaches throughout the last week. And then I have all the side effects, such as ravenous hunger and general sickness. Plus extreme tiredness. My eyes hurt all the time. Plus I’m covered in rashes and my feet are wet all the time. Then again, mum is washing all the carpets, so, you know, that might explain that one…

Still, though, I’m doing better than last year. I mean, I had 13 migraines last year. I’ve had five this year and we’re four months in to 2016. I mean, that’s almost half, right? I mean, I failed maths, but I’m assuming that’s half. My brain sort of blew up this week and reassembled itself in the wrong way order. That didn’t sound right, did it? Ah, you know what I mean.

What’s particularly funny is that migraines have been scientifically proven to be genetic, but here’s the funny part – I’m the only person in my family who gets them. Now, you would think I’d see a doctor, but knowing they’re not genetic means it’s almost certainly something a bit ‘deathy’. And I’m too young and sexy to die. I mean, I’m 26 soon, so, I’m heading toward that age where I can’t call myself ‘young’ anymore, but I’m going to keep milking that cow for as long as I can. And yes, you may think that’s wrong, but I happen to know that that particular cow quite enjoys being milked. She’s called Gertrude, by the way. She loves carrots. Top gal, she is…

Still, in 2014, I had 32 in one year. 32! You would have to knock me unconscious to get me to the doctor back then, and that was at 32. At five, you have no chance. That said, I have taken a lot of drugs this week so I have been pretty dead to the world for most of this week. About 10 ibuprofen tablets. Some aspirins. A lot of co-codamol. Not all at the same time, of course. Of course, co-codamol to me is like lithium. It’s like a magical elixir that makes everything all… psychedelic. I highly recommend it. When you’re not well. Otherwise, you know – don’t take it. Stay in school. All that guff.

I had to take a day off work on Monday, and I’m that person you work with who never takes a day off. Won’t even take his holidays off. Comes in on the public holidays. Gladly volunteers to cover for people. The office arsehole, if you will. The one who makes everyone else look real bad. I don’t do it deliberately. It’s just who I am. I like doing things. I can’t sit still. I have to be moving. But I woke up on Monday and I fell to the ground. I was dizzy. Sick. Migraine thumping. I had the weird vision as well. Everything blurry. Flashing lights. Room spin. Oh, man. My eyeballs felt like they were being crushed. My original theory, from watching CSI for 16 years, is that I had been poisoned with something like arsenic, but I imagine if I’m ever murdered that it would be something simpler, like a gunshot. But I’d prefer the poisoning. So if my potential murderer is reading, poison please. It’s just a more memorable death, really. Oh, but, obviously, please don’t kill me. But if you going to, poison. It’s all I ask for…

I didn’t have an easy day when I went in on Tuesday. I had to open up. Take all the deliveries. Take all the calls. I mean, that’s not my job. I wanted a nice relaxing day designing diabetes awareness flyers. And even when I got round to doing that, I wasn’t very relaxed. I’m now convinced I have diabetes as well as everything else.

One of the least understood elements of the migraine is the hunger. You are hungry all the time. Nobody knows why. There’s no cure because nobody has bothered studying it. It’s a week since my last migraine and I’m still hungry all the time. You eat and you eat, and nothing can fill that gap. But, eventually, you become very sick because you’ve overeaten. But if you don’t eat, you become sick because your brain starts acting like you’ve eaten nothing in weeks. Migraine sufferers will know what I mean. It’s awful. I’m sure it’s why I’ve started biting my nails again. Which leads me nicely onto the next paragraph. Ah. I like a nice segue. Not the thing on two wheels. That’s a terrible idea.

People who bite their nails get sore throats and chest infections quite a lot. Yeah, I think I’m getting one, too. On top of the migraines. And the constant hunger they’ve caused. And on top of the constant tiredness migraines leave you with for weeks afterwards. My chest feels funny too. Lovely. Just lovely. I haven’t even mentioned all the rashes. What the heck are they all about?

I’m having one of those weeks where one thing goes wrong and then something else. And something else. And something else. And quite a lot else. All at once. I’m that person who isn’t sick for years on end and then, suddenly, shit hits the fan. A big fan. And a lot of shit. In a very small room. Full of priceless jewellery.

So yeah, I’m… trying to keep smiling. I’m smiling right now. Keep forgetting this is the internet. It’s a really cheesy smile, though. The type that would give you nightmares. This my 250th post. I could mark the occasion with some spectacular bonanza, but I thought I’d complain a lot instead. I mean, it’s what I do best. But don’t worry about me. I’m sure my many ailments will soon sod off. Oh, I’ve just thought of another one I neglected to mention.

I’m 100% positive that my hair has started growing a lot faster this week.

I’m the type of person who notices that sort of thing…

American film historian, journalist, author, filmmaker, screenwriter, documentarian, and film and literary critic, Richard Schickel (b. 1933), once said: “This is a soul under perpetual migraine attack.”

Peace Out :|:


I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the ‘Archives’ page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.


Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Post Every Sunday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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