Here’s the story of myself, time, and stick wielding babies.
You know, if I had a time machine, I’d go back in time five years, give it to my younger self, and tell myself not to be so stupid. Of course, this would then mean that I have absolutely no way to get back to the future, which somewhat validates my original point, but also would be a dumb move, really. Of course, one could ask how I even got my hands on a time machine, but you’re forgetting something, readers. I gave myself the time machine, therefore, I’ve always had the time machine. I just have one. And I have it because I gave myself it. And now I’ve given myself a headache. Oh, doodlebugs…
Five years ago, what was I doing? Well, it was a Monday in March of twenty-o-eleven. And since I hardly ever change, I can confidently predict that I was sat on my arse doing nothing. I say ‘predict’. I don’t know what a past prediction is. Like, I can’t exactly remember what I was doing, but I can ‘predict’ it, but, obviously, I can’t, because a prediction is guessing something in the future, and this was in the past, but I can’t remember it, but I can predict it, but I can’t, because that’s impossible. I have another headache coming on…
I know one thing I was doing. I was on my old laptop. It was a Dell. Not the singer. I broke that laptop. I had anger issues. It wasn’t working so I punched it really hard, shattering the screen. Oh, yeah, you think I’d just replace the screen, but I hit it so hard it flew off the desk and smashed into the floor, smuching it real good. Yeah. I don’t miss that laptop too much, though. I still have it in the cupboard. It’s so pretty. I can’t throw something that pretty into the trash. I’m also fairly sure that’s not how one is supposed to dispose of a laptop, but they frown on throwing old electronic items into the sea these days…
I was on that laptop. Staring at a blank sheet of paper. Well, the equivalent. Word document thingamajig. I don’t really understand it. It’s all magic to me. But, after some time, the words came to me. I started writing. And what I wrote was utter shit. But, nonetheless, I ventured bravely onto the internet and set up a blog. Like man stepping foot on to the Moon. I don’t want to exaggerate it, but it was a big deal. I mean, I’m not great with – no, I’m great full stop. But that’s not the point. I was terrified on that day. I’d written some crap and I was ready to upload my first ever post on to the intertubes. And I did. And here I am. Five years later. Five years THIS WEEK! Holy shit, five years? That’s incredible. I thought I’d give up after around five minutes. It’s become so routine the time has just flown by. And I’m still here. Five years. There’s only one word for that. Jeepers. Oh, I’m never saying that again…
It was awful. I’ve just re-read it. It’s not online anymore. WordPress have vanquished that post into the great unknown for some reason, and for that I’m grateful. I did it because I was shy. I was told that blogging was the greatest cure for the shy bug. Yeah, my advice to newcomers is that that is utter nonsense. It’s had no physical affect. I’m still extremely shy. And awful with people. And not great in social situations. I could keep going. But it’s been lovely to chat with some amazing people. And it’s introduced me to so many wonderful blogs. And you know, just one like is all I asked for. And I still remember the first one. It still means the world me. An introvert. I actually did something that someone liked. It was the beginning of something. An outlet for the introvert inside.
Reading that first post I have to question how I ended up where I am now. The first paragraph is me talking about plucking an eyebrow hair. I mean, really, Alan? That was what you started with? You idiot. I still have those tweezers. I mean, for a Christmas cracker prize, they’ve lasted a surprisingly long time. Oh, yes, I still pluck my eyebrows. The only difference is, it doesn’t really hurt now. I still don’t like telling people. It’s not ‘expected’ of a man, is it? Sod social convention, I say. I’m not having a unibrow. I’m just not. It’s a terrible look…
I complained a lot in that first post. The lack of anything happening in my life. That hasn’t changed. No friends. That hasn’t changed. Never had a girlfriend. Sorry, I’m still a girl repellent. The only difference is that now I’m considerably uglier. Didn’t have a mobile phone. Ooh, I actually have one of those now! Oh, wonderful, something has changed. I also complained that I’ve never been to a concert. Ooh, that will soon change, too. Watch this space, is all I say for now.
I talked about porn quite a lot in that first post, too, and I don’t know why. Do you ever read back on something you wrote a long time ago and it doesn’t feel like it’s you? I’d also slap past me if I had a chance, but that would probably terrify past me. Then again, a future me visiting present me or a present me visiting past me would almost certainly be the type of thing that would happen to me. Life is still mental, even after five years.
I was baffled by technology all those years ago. I had an email account and that was it. Now look at me! IPad. IPod Touch. I-this, I-that. Probably. Laptop. A good one. That I’ve only punched once. That’s an improvement for me. I now have a really fancy camera, too. I’m on a few forums, talking to more people. Out photographing all the time, something that frightened me not that long ago. And I’m on the Facebook. Well, I have an account that I never log in to, but… it’s something, right?
And that’s just the technology. I’m an uncle now. Twice. And I have more baby cousins than you shake a stick at. I wouldn’t do that to a baby though. Babies really don’t seem to like me very much. They’d take that stick and start chasing me with it…
That blog header hasn’t changed either. There I am. In silhouette sitting by myself looking lonely under a tree. Yup. That’s still me in a nutshell. Not that I’m after any sympathy. But, on a completely unrelated note, chocolate does cheer me up and it is Easter. Ahem…
I know people don’t like me talking about myself, which is a bugger because that’s my entire thing. But five years is a milestone I never thought I’d reach. I still get likes off the people who liked that first post. STILL! I mean, you are batshit crazy but I love you for it. I have no idea why you’re still here. Even I’m not here half the time. But thank you. I’m not worth any fuss, really, but if I can make people smile then I’m happier than you can imagine.
And that’s probably why I’m still here. Staring at a blank Word document panicking because I have to upload something – ANYTHING – in 10 minutes and I have no ideas! It’s how I’ve operated for five years and it’s probably how I’ll still be operating in the next five.
Of course, I could make some predictions of where I’ll be on my tenth anniversary. I’ll be 30-years-old. THIRTY! Oh, feck, I don’t ever want to be that old. Well, future Alan reading back on this. I think you’ll still be a virgin because you’ll still be useless with women. You’ll still be living at home. I reckon you might have a job by then. Hopefully your memory will be better. Apart from all that, I just hope you’re happy. That’s the best you can ask for in life. Be happy and love it.
Oh, and I buried some money in a remote location if you get into some trouble.
I forget where…
American Baptist minister, activist, humanitarian and civil rights leader, Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968), once said: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
Peace Out :|:
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To Contrive & Jive
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