Here’s the story of a lizard, a clock, and Pepper.
What’s wrong with a bloody sodding clock in a sodding bloody bathroom! Am I the only one who thinks that’s normal? It certainly seems that way. I need a clock in the bathroom! Yet person after person keep telling me that I’m absolutely nuts. That it’s the strangest thing imaginable. What’s so damn weird about having a clock in the bathroom? When I go in the bathroom each morn, I know exactly what I need to do. I have a mental checklist of those things, the order they need to happen in and the time each will take. It’s all planned, structured, logical and organised. Just like life should be. But if I’m going out somewhere, how do I know that I haven’t fallen behind my schedule? You see, I have five methods for brushing my teeth. The proper one takes around six minutes, but if I’m running late and I do that method, then I’m going to be late! Hence the need for a clock in the bathroom. If I know time is slipping away from me, I can switch, quite easily, to method one that I know will take only a minute. That’s a five minute efficiency saving from my bathroom time! So, I’ll ask again. What’s wrong with a clock in the bathroom? This entire paragraph is perfectly normal to me! In fact, if it doesn’t sound normal to you, you’re the one with the problem…
Now, there may be some people reading this – I highly doubt it, but if there are, those seven people may be thinking, ‘Why do you do these things?’ And my response to the three people still reading is, simply, that I don’t think. It just happens. It’s always been. It’s how my brain works. It can’t function any other way. It’s natural. If I do something different, I feel confused and disorientated. Like when you’ve been in a room without a time telling device for hours. So, reader, that’s why I do these things.
Of course, I’m sure you’re dying to know what my five methods of tooth brushing are. I didn’t plan them, they just evolved naturally over time, as and when the need arose. Method five is the full treatment. You go over the teeth four times, brushing each tooth individually, then the space between them, then each one in a circular motion, before finishing with a clean sweep around the houses. Method one is just the circular motion and then the clean sweep. The methods in-between are, obviously, easy to figure out for yourself.
Now, you may be thinking two things at this moment. The primary thought in your noggins will be, ‘Why do you spend so much time brushing your teeth? Doesn’t it hurt your arm? Are you obsessed with whitening them?’ No, I’m not. What makes you think I have OCD? I don’t think I’ve given that impression so far, have I? Hmm, ah, anyway… I use whitening toothpaste in any case. And I have an electric toothbrush. But I drink a lot of tea. So much, it stains my teeth. So I have to brush them excessively to prevent that from happening, and my method works. It really does. I know I could just drink less tea, but prying a cup of tea from the hands of a Yorkshireman is a dangerous endeavour…
The other thing you may be thinking is, ‘Why the hell am I still reading this gibberish?’ I don’t know, but I’m thankful for your company. I haven’t had a lot of company lately. Might get a cat… I don’t know why, though. I hate cats.
I’d call her Pepper.
Now, I know exactly what you’re saying. Where does the mouthwash come into this crazy equation? Well, I’m glad you asked. I don’t have time for mouthwash. I’d have to get up two minutes earlier, and that’s too much to ask of me. But, on the weekends, when I don’t have to be anyway, then I use the mouthwash. I also use this fluffy stick thing you jab between your teeth, but that’s a story I’ll leave for another day when I have nothing interesting to write about…
I can’t have a cat, can I? I was a mess after my goldfish died. It changed me, man. Also, what do you do with a cat when it dies? You can’t exactly flush it down the toilet. And you can’t bury it. Do you… I don’t know. Do you call someone? I could give her a Viking funeral. Aww. How nice. In fact, I’d like a Viking funeral if it’s not too much to ask…
In case you’re wondering, the other things I do in the bathroom include going to the toilet. I give that five minutes. Applying my facial scrub. A couple minutes for that one. Tweezing time takes up the most time. I can spend a good 15 minutes tweezing. I mean, I have these weird eyebrows. You know the sort. They flail out at the nose end and that just looks stupid. So I have to pluck them constantly to get them in a semi-normal position. Of course, I’m getting old now, so I’ve also started plucking nose hairs. Oh, women, you have no idea how much that hurts. The first time I did it, my nose started bleeding. I’m so delicate.
I hate being 25…
I suppose I have these funny habits. Mother has told me on numerous occasions that I am a person that you can set your watch to. Quite true. In fact, I set my watch a little fast so I’m always on time. Most of what I do is subconscious, though. I mean, somebody asked me recently what I’m doing with my thumb when I drink a cup of tea, and I didn’t realise I was doing anything unusual. But now it’s been mentioned, I can’t not notice it. After I take a sip, I run my thumb over the inner and outer edges, cleaning it. This may reinforce your opinion that I have OCD, but if you could see my mud caked shoes and trousers, you may change your mind on that one.
It’s been a funny year, so far, and not always ‘ha-ha’ funny. I mean, just this week I got leg cramp lying still. I have never been in that much pain in my life. It was like jaw cramp. Do you get that? When you have an awkward yawn, your jaw spasms and goes into cramp. Agonising. A bit like foot cramp if your foot was on fire. That happened to my leg. I don’t know how. I can’t even walk properly. Can’t bend it or anything. I look like House when I walk. Only I could get an injury not doing anything…
Told you I’m getting old.
I even managed to slip over on a rubber floor this week. How it possible to slip over on rubber? I really hurt my shoulder, as well.
But I suppose life could be much worse. Mine is logical and organised and I love that. Can’t complain too much, really. Even the weather is starting to get nicer. We’re entering a winter heat wave. I mean, mum and dad got back from Denmark this week and the snow there was biblical. And in America, too. Although, as I said, it could be much worse. I mean, I turned on the news this week and the anchor said:
“A giant lizard has descended on America.”
Turns out, she meant to say blizzard, but it didn’t stop me from quietly crapping myself…
American novelist, writer and poet, Herman Melville (1819-1891), once wrote: ‘All my means are sane, my motive and my object mad.’
Peace Out :|:
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To Contrive & Jive
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