Here’s the story of Scrooge, Wham, and Mr. Sting.
Am I the only one who still hates Ebenezer Scrooge? I mean, sure, he was a bit of an arse, and sure, everyone hated him. But then he was visited by three ghosts. Why he didn’t wet himself at that point remains a mystery. And they show him various things and lo and behold, he’s a changed man. His heart filled with joy and happiness. He runs into the streets screaming songs of praise. Hallelujah! It’s a Christmas miracle! All is forgiven. Every wrong has been corrected. But if that was me, if he knocked on the door of my shanty shack, and I answered it, and I saw him beaming away, I’d punch him really hard on the nose. And then kick him a few times. “I’m glad you’re so happy, you selfish git! You threw my family and me out of my home! I lost everything because of you!” “But I’m a changed man – you can have it all back!” “No, I can’t! Helen divorced me, she won’t let me see the kids and she’s now living in Sweden with some dick named Sven!” That’s why I still hate Scrooge, readers. He caused damage that couldn’t be repaired. And we’re supposed to forgive him? Well I don’t. Merry bleedin’ Christmas…
Scrooge didn’t know he was being mean and didn’t care anyway. How are you supposed to correct a problem if you don’t know there is one? Oh, are we supposed to tell Scrooge he isn’t being very nice? Oh, I’m sure that’ll go down well. Yeah, no house, no kids, and the wife is shacked up with a hunky Swedish chef, but yes, I’ll tell the man who did this to me that he’s a great big meanie. The only thing I have left is my life and I’m pretty sure his goons will make sure I don’t even have that for much longer.
And this is the problem with Christmas, readers. It makes no sense. Look at that song Band Aid did. Again, like with Mr. Scrooge, we’re supposed to be filled with a warm fuzzy feeling inside and be left with an important Christmas message. That Band Aid song doesn’t make me feel that way. ‘Feed the world, let them know it’s Christmas time.’ Oh, yeah. Feed the world. I, one man, can do that, and will do that, based on a song. That makes sense, sure. Let them know it’s Christmas time. I’m pretty sure they know it’s Christmas but literally could not give a flying monkeys because they’re either too hungry to care or AREN’T EVEN CHRISTIANS!
And it gets worse. ‘Say a prayer for the other ones.’ Other ones! What the hell are you talking about? That – what – huh – ARRGH! You can’t denigrate them like some neo-colonialist.
‘Well thank God it’s them and not you.’ Yeah, I thank the Lord for that every night, Bono. Yes, thank God it’s someone rather no one. And yes, thank you for telling me there won’t be any snow in Africa this yes. THIS YEAR! Implying snow is a common occurrence in lowland Africa. Yes, it’s usually a winter wonderland, but not this year!
Do you know what, Mr. Sting, shut up. You’re as bad as Scrooge. Stop lecturing people on values you don’t abide by and while you’re at it, get a haircut, you hippy…
And I haven’t finished yet, not by a long shot. Have you heard ‘Last Christmas’? Have you really heard it? It’s bloody awful! What’s that got to do with Christmas apart from the fact it has ‘Christmas’ in the title? Wham can wham off for all I care. And they need a haircut, too.
‘Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.’ Well, sure, that’s not very nice, but there’s no need for ‘this year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.’ Ouch. That’s not a very nice and festive thing to do, is it? Just because she broke your heart doesn’t make her a bad person or any less special. Talk about having an ego. It’s been a bloody year matey, move on, you turnip.
‘I wrapped it up and sent it.’ What did he send? Oh, you know what, I don’t want to know. It was probably something rather unpleasant. ‘I’m hiding from you and your soul of ice.’ Oh Jesus, let her go already. I don’t know what she did, but you sound like a right cock.
And the less said about Tom Waits’ ‘Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis’ the better…
Yes, Christmas is almost upon us and indeed, this is my final post before Christmas. And I’m not feeling very festive. It’s been a very tough year and it’s not ending on the highest of notes, but it is ending with the dimmest of lights at the end of a very, very long and dark tunnel. I sure hope you didn’t come here expecting some festive cheer, because you’ll be bum out of luck.
But I’m not important. What’s important is that you have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, readers.
2016 on the horizon. Good gravy. Nearly 26.
Oh, I’m getting old and grumpy…
American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic and author, George Carlin (1937-2008), once said: “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
Peace Out :|:
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