Mijn Luchtkussenboot Zit Vol Paling


Here’s the story of paint, freedom, and Queen Liz.

Een privacyherinnering van Google. No, I can’t tell you what that means, but I will soon be able to. Not by choice, though. I’m being forced to learn Dutch. I’m not doing very well. In that, I’ve learned absolutely nothing whatsoever. The British government decided this week to start storing our internet history and text messages, so, being a bit of an anarchist, I decided to fight back. With a proxy server. It doesn’t matter what one is, the point is, using one means I’m totally anonymous online. The problem is that it only really works if you choose a server location close to home. Like somewhere in Europe. Like the Netherlands. My computer now thinks I’m in the Netherlands. Unfortunately, Google is now in Dutch. So, I can sit back and be snooped on or I can learn some Dutch. I don’t think the original anarchists foresaw this kind of problem…

I am not a number, I am a free man. Once said that guy in that television show. You know the one. With that giant killer bubble. I guess that’s not the point. The point is that all the cyber justice perverting nincompoops are already using proxies and the like. The only people, therefore, who will be recorded, will be the innocent. That’s why we must rage against the machine. It’s like a sleeping guard. He aint gonna notice the jewel heist gang running rampage…

You know who I feel sorry for? The poor sod in that underground bunker beneath London who has to spend all his waking hours trying to decipher teenage text messages, full of these funny little icons.

“Boss, have you any idea what ‘aubergine, watermelon, smiley face’ means?”

Probably something rude…

After this distressing news, I needed some cheering up. Thankfully, dad was on hand to depress me further.

There I was, just sitting in my room, minding my own business, when dad came barging into my room and proclaimed, rather loudly, “You will paint this room!” And then he left. I was a bit baffled, really. I’d give it solid 10 out of 10 on the random batshit crazy scale…

Really, dad. Really? You want me to paint my room? Hmm, well, let me take a moment to form a rebuttal, a coherent and well thought out – NO! For heaven’s sake, there’s already paint on the walls, what more do you want?

I was never one of these teenagers who was constantly painting my walls and redecorating my room, often without telling the folks in a wild and reckless teenage rebellion. Why? They’ve always been beige. I like beige. Why change what’s not broken, eh? Admittedly, there aren’t many anarchists who rank ‘beige’ so highly, but that’s why I said ‘bit of an anarchist’…

I spent the best part of a month sorting my precious room out and now I have to undo all that hard work to paint it when it doesn’t even need painting! That unit I built with dad – it’ll have to be emptied after taking days to sort out. All the electronic doohickies on the top – they all have to go! Have you any idea how long it took me to sort out like, a billion wires? My bed will have to be taken out the room – it only came a few weeks ago, plus, it took weeks to sort the drawers out! And then there are my shelves! I spent TWO WEEKS sorting those shelves out, but now, it all has to come off and the shelves taken out. The curtains will have to come down, the blinds will have to be taken off, the carpet will have to be taken up, all my stuff on my walls will have to be taken down. Are you insane, dad! It took me ages to sort all this out, by myself, and now I have to go through it all again! Are you insane!

That’s what, two months work? And I still haven’t recovered from the last time. And now I have to paint it all by myself. And where is all my stuff going to go? Oh, in the spare bedroom, apparently. Oh, wonderful. And where am I going to sleep for a few weeks? With no television, no laptop, no anything of any use whatsoever! For God’s sake, it was only painted three years ago. And I’m gonna have to take my notice board down. I don’t want to do that! I know the mess it’s made of the wall. It’s practically holding it up…

“Oh” said dad, “but if visitors come around what are they going to think of your room?” Oh, dad. Dad, dad, dad. Do you remember when we sold our old house and we had people coming around to look at it? The people who bought it, bought it after looking around on a day when my room had several underpants on the floor. I don’t think anyone will care about the bloody paint!

I’d only consider painting it if Queen Lizzy came around, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen any time soon, do you? And heck, even if it did, I’m sure she’ll have many greater concerns than the paint! Like, “Why the fiddles is one here, gosh darn it!”

And do you know what the worst part of all this was? As dad was leaving my room, he stood on a picture I had lying on the floor. I was readying it to put it up on my wall. It was in a glass frame, was being the operative word. It’s now in a million pieces on some rubbish tip. Oh, well, that’s spiffing news, that is! Hey, dad, while you’re at it, why not throw my television out the window?

I don’t know if I’m gonna win this battle, but so far, I appear to be…

It’s remarkable to think it was Friday the 13th this week, that most of unlucky days. And we all know how unlucky I am. What’s remarkable is that I made it through the entire day without a single thing going wrong.

What’s unremarkable is that all my bad luck came before then.


I guess my next move is to start learning Dutch…

English playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, Alan Bennett (b. 1934), once said: “We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn’t obey the rules.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the ‘Archives’ page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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