The Start of the Great Dog Revolt


Here’s the story of beasts, trauma, and Dylan.

All dogs should be shot. I know it’s not it’s a popular opinion, but I don’t care. If you want a loyal pet, get a cat. If you get a dog, it will, at some point, eat your face whilst you’re sleeping. Honestly, a mine is less dangerous. A potato would make for a better pet. When I’m walking down the street, I should not have to fear the largest border collie you’ve ever seen jumping all over me, barking like you wouldn’t believe and snapping at me. I have holes in my bloody jacket! From a border collie! Supposedly the friendliest dog on the planet! One that was called Dylan! Who the hell calls a dog Dylan? That means, ‘Hero of the Sea’. It would be a more appropriate name for an ambitious goldfish…

I think I’ve made a perfectly cogent argument for why all border collies should be eradicated. What? They’re all bastards! My mother had one and it kept trying to eat my brother! They hate children. Absolutely hate them. A very jealous dog. Here it was, getting all the attention, and suddenly – boom! Here comes a baby! Well, I’m a dog. I know! I’ll eat it! Heck, that collie’s mother ate one of its puppies! This is not normal! And we let them into our homes? What the hell is wrong with us?

But it’s not just collies. You name a breed of dog, and I’ve probably been attacked by it. A golden retriever? Yup. On my way to school, I was a very tiny 12-year-old, and suddenly, this beast from hell jumps on me and knocks me over. It starts snapping at me before its owner ran over to drag it off me. And it wasn’t the first.

A few months earlier, a small dog, no idea what kind, attacked me whilst I was getting on the bus to school. It barked and snapped at me, grabbed my PE bag and ran off. The bus driver chased the little bugger. He got my PE bag back and I must say, what a driver. That’s certainly going beyond the call of duty. Unfortunately, the dog had torn a couple holes in my shin pads meaning I couldn’t do PE. But the teacher? Oh no, he wouldn’t believe me! “Where are your bloody shin pads?” he said. “Oh, sir, the dog ate them.” The one time it actually happened and he didn’t believe me!

And you what makes that incident worse? It was in the middle of winter. So I got up at 6:30 to get the 7:00 bus to go to a school that started at 9:00. Every day, I got there at 8:30 and the bullies would be lined up to pummel me with iceballs, snowballs, and to snowman me. So I decided to start going earlier. And then a stray dog attacked me. A ‘me’ absolutely soaked because of a blizzard I was caught in. Some people have no luck…

To ‘snowman’ someone, for those unfamiliar, is a popular bullying trait where a large group of bullies pin you down and put copious amount of snow down your trousers, under your shirt, in your socks and in your shoes. God forbid if you had a hat on, because then they’d put the snow in that and put it on you, often causing a headache. Which was often a problem because I had mathematics first thing on two days of the week, and we often had to stand up at the front of the class and do sums. And when I was soaking wet, shivering and had a headache, I really wasn’t in the mood. Or capable of adding up…

In fact, that reminds of something one teacher used to do with my class in primary school. She used to make us stand up and answer sums. The first were really easy. “You, 2 plus 2.” “4.” “Yes, you can go home.” But I was always picked last! And by the time they got to me, the sums were really hard. If you got them wrong, you had to stay until you got one right. We finished at three. I never got out until half four. Honestly, my maths skills are atrocious. They were then, they are now. “You, 20 multiplied by 64.” “Erm, potato?”

My auntie’s dogs are the worst. Two Yorkshire Terriers. My God, they’re vicious. One of them once stole a custard cream I was eating. And you don’t steal a custard cream off a Yorkshireman. I tell you, if that bloody dog had done something nefarious with my Yorkshire Tea, that would’ve been the last straw. ‘Hung, drawn and quartered’ springs to mind…

And my other aunty? My word, she had a Dalmatian. Imagine the biggest St. Bernard you’ve ever seen. I can assure you, my auntie’s Dalmatian was much bigger. I think Dalmatians don’t really like humans. They don’t even like each other! But every single time I saw that blasted dog, it attacked me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t do a little jig when it died. What? Hey, it had puppies. They were much nicer to me. They wouldn’t steal my custard creams. What? Hey, I love custard creams so I aint letting the whole ‘stealing’ malarkey go.

And my brother had a dog at one point, too. Jesus, it was almost as big as that bloody Dalmatian. Apparently, he was just being ‘friendly’ when he climbed on top of me and started snapping at me. And this is a bloody good point.

You ask any dog owner. They love their dogs. Not a single dog owner would call their pet ‘vicious’. But they all are! Nasty, disloyal, dicks. Every one of them. They won’t hesitate to maul or hump you for no apparent reason. And they’re not intelligent. If you think an intelligent animal is one that has mauled countless children in the UK over the last 10 years, then you really need to look up the meaning of the word ‘intelligent’. Whatever the owners see in these beasts, I aint seeing it.

Honestly, they’re like dolphins. They kill more people than they save…

Just get a cat. Or a tortoise. Or a goldfish. Or if you’re lonely and want something to cuddle up to, hey, here’s a smashing idea! Get a partner! Like dogs, but less bitey and more loyal. They won’t kill you whilst you’re asleep. Well, mine would. I mean, I’m that irritating that – no, actually, I’m so irritating she’d probably do it in the middle of Debenhams so she had witnesses. “I’m the one who finally did what everyone has wanted to do for so very, very long! It was all me! MEEEE! Mwa, ha, ha, ha…”

There’s only two options here, readers. One, dogs are inherently evil. Or two, I’m doing something to piss them off. And I argue thusly. What have I done? Walking to school. Walking down the street. Boarding a bus. The owners of dogs may think all these things are coincidences, but they’re not. They are all connected. I’m telling you readers, I wouldn’t be surprised if the day comes when all dogs revolt against humankind. I’m on the side of the humans – we always take priority. But you, readers, need to take a side now. Because if you’re with the dogs, then believe me, when the inevitable human-dog war comes, they will turn on you. And they will love it!

And that’s not as crazy as it sounds…

…for someone suffering from severe trauma…

American comedian, film and television star, Julius ‘Groucho’ Marx (1890-1977), once said: “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the ‘Archives’ page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
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