The Proverbial Multicoloured Jacket of Strangeitude


Here’s the story of bureaucrats, a forklift truck, and Aberdeen town hall.

Apparently, I’m now an over 65, Asian, Mormon lesbian, born in the Czech Republic, whose sole employment was in a butcher’s shop where my duties were, in a nutshell, ‘butchering’. Oh, you know how it is, readers. It’s the same old story. You have government bureaucrats breathing down your neck forcing you to apply for jobs or they’ll stop your benefits. “But I’m not qualified.” “Don’t care.” “But it’s two hours away.” “Don’t care.” “But it involves working with people – you know I don’t like people.” “Yup.” “It also says I need experience in this area and a licence.” “Your point?” You can’t win, so you have to ‘fake apply’. If you apply using fake information, apart from your email, the damn bureaucrat thinks you’ve applied for it. I was just randomly clicking buttons. I then got a verification email and only then did I realise what I had written. Old, Asian, Mormon, lesbian, Czech national and my only employment was in a butcher’s shop. Under ‘responsibilities’ I entered ‘butchering’. Mind you, it’s not the strangest thing that happened to me this week. Oh, no. Mum suggested I should become a bank robber…

I’m sure it’s all believable, though. Right? Right? I hope so. I’m sure there are lots of people who match my new identity. I also said that my middle name was ‘Name’. It’s not the most imaginative new identity in the world, is it? If you’re looking for a new identity, seriously, don’t come to me. I’m the Saul Goodman of new identities.

At least the rest of the information was believable. Apparently, I live in Aberdeen town hall. What? I didn’t know that when I entered the postcode! I just Googled ‘random postcode’ and Google came up with the health and safety department of Aberdeen town hall. I even told them I was in a civil partnership. If my partner and me have a little Scottish child, she’s gonna be part Scottish, part Czech, part Asian. That can’t be that common, right? You know, I’m starting to think this is becoming a tad unbelievable.

And the age – oh lordly loo, why did I not think that through? Stupid, stupid, stupid! I told them I attended a made up college… in 1940! I told them I was over 65. The youngest I could be would be 66. Meaning I was born in 1949. You have to be 18 to attend college. Meaning I was actually born in 1922. I’m ninety-fricking-three! I’m an Asian, Czech, Mormon, butchering 93-year-old lesbian! It’s been the most surreal week of my life…

But there’s yet more! According to the information I gave, I started working at this butcher’s shop in 1960. Meaning I was 38, if we take 1922 as the year of my birth. But if it is indeed 1949, then I was 11! What kind of 11-year-old works in a bloody butcher’s shop! That’s a bloomin’ psychopath in waiting! Do you know what’s even weirder? According to the information I gave, I finished in January 1959! I did one year’s work, 55-years-ago, backwards!

Oh, great. Asian, Czech, Mormon, time travelling, butchering lesbian…

Do you know what’s worse? They asked me for my salary, what I earned for my butchering. I randomly wrote £1,000. In 1960! In today’s money, that’s £15,300. What kind of butcher earned that in 1960? If I’d left that money in my bank account, it would stand today, because of inflation, at nearly £21k. Of course, because I did it backwards, I’m not sure if I was paid or if they took money off me for the privilege of me working there. This crazy and unique mash up of a human being.

Heck, under ‘what do you know about the company’ I wrote ‘very little’…

Oh, gee, I thought it was sounding really good as I was fake applying for the position. I thought it was really believable, but looking back at what I wrote, it was far from believable. I mean, who’s gonna believe that a 93-year-old Mormon, Asian, Czech lesbian, whose last job was 55 years ago as a butcher, wants to work as a forklift truck driver at a warehouse?

There’s a TV show in this…

Perhaps mother was right. Perhaps my future lies within the sexy world of bank robbing. You see, the school mum works at has an after school club, and they had been raising funds through a nice and old-fashioned cake stall. Slight problem – they put the money raised into a safety box with a lock and then they lost they key. Yeah – not great. So dad turned into a safe cracker for one day only.

It took him two minutes to get into it.

Afterwards, mother suggested the three of us should go into the exciting world of bank robbing. Dad cracks the safe, I’m the getaway driver. She had it all planned out. In a worryingly amount of detail, now I think about it. Knowing mother, she’d probably take the money and run, throwing father and I under the proverbial bus…

Do you think adding bank robbing to my repertoire of strangeitude on my fake job application would be a good idea?

Couldn’t hurt to try.

Needless to say, I didn’t get the job…

Scottish physician and writer, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930), once said: “Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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