The Mighty Attacks of the Night Gremlins


Here’s the story of pain, misery, and a sexy nurse.

I may have the brain of an 80-year-old, but this week I developed the spine of one. I knew I’d start falling apart one of these days, it was somewhat inevitable. I didn’t see it coming. I woke on a normal Wednesday morning and I just couldn’t stand up. My back was in agony. I made a noise I’ve never made before. A shrill continuous whimper – like a man on helium that has just been hit really hard in the testicles. When I eventually found the strength to stand up, every movement I made was agony. I had my right hand on my lower back and I was bent over. All I needed to complete the picture was a cane and an ear trumpet…

What I actually needed for my ear was that delightful young nurse at my local surgery. Because one of my ears also fell apart on me this week. I also woke up, this week, on the Thursday, with a bleeding ear. And I don’t mean that in the British sense. “Oi, crumpet, silence that noise, me bleedin’ ears are on fire, ‘ere!” That’s my best Cockney impression, by the way. They all talk like that – living in the 19th century, the lot of them. What I mean is literally, my ear was bleeding. Do I have some sort of night gremlins hacking away at me? Certainly looks that way.

I have absolutely no idea what caused my ear to bleed, but I have several bloody tissues that will testify to the fact it was most unpleasant. And as for my back? I have no idea. I don’t do heavy lifting. It looks like too much hard work and hard work often makes me quit. I don’t exercise. And I certainly don’t sleep on a bed of nails like David Copperfield.

I’m utterly baffled, readers. There’s definitely something attacking me in my sleep. I mean, there’s a great many things you could do to me in my sleep that I would be quite happy about, but making my ear bleed and giving me a dodgy back are not two of them…

It didn’t get much better for poor old me. I got a migraine on Monday, my fifth of the year. My doctor has told me to start keeping a record because I get anywhere from 10 to 20 a year. It’s quite a grim and depressing Excel document, if I’m being honest. The only way it could be worse is if I opened it up one day and at the bottom suddenly appeared the exact date of my death. Which, knowing my luck, will probably be fairly accurate.

The migraine was a doozy. Two days, no vision, thumping headache, racing heart, very hot and very pale. I just about managed to get it together to keep my three blogs going because they are literally all I have. Because I struggle to swallow pills, I didn’t take anything. Just lots and lots of rest. It had gone by Wednesday. But then I got another one on Thursday. I took a lot of co-codamol for that one. Made me very drowsy and everything went a bit ‘trippy’. At least I think it was co-codamol. It was smashing…

So you’re thinking, ‘Well, at least you had a good Friday.’ No, that’s next week (ba-dum-tish). Did I have a pleasant Friday? Erm, well, hmm, well, no, not really. You know I’m an amateur landscape and city photographer. It was a lovely spring day so I thought I‘d go out and take some photos. Well, you know I have a bad knee, right? You know, the one I damaged when I was younger but I never got fixed because I hate hospitals. Yeah, well, that injury flared up again and I now I can’t bend my knee. Well, I can, but it sounds like someone going over a packet of Cornflakes with a rolling pin.

Needless to say, if I had anyone to hug, I’d be hugging them right about now…

That said, it’s not all doom and gloom, though. Father wanted me to mow the lawn on Wednesday because mother has arthritis and dad’s joints are on the way out, too. I don’t get any ‘pocket money’ for it because helping the elderly is like community service. But don’t them I called them elderly, for the love of God. But after the week I’ve had, I didn’t feel up to it. I genuinely woke up on Wednesday morning and said, ‘Oh, God, I need a miracle.’ It was more ‘tongue-in-cheek’ than anything. I’m sure He has things that are more important on His mind. And what happened half an hour later? The most torrential, thundery downpour you’ve ever seen in all your life. HALLELUJAH! God sure works in mysterious ways…

I don’t tell people when I’m not well. It’s weakness. I don’t like weakness. Don’t like admitting I’m fallible. I just carry on as normal until my body realises I’m not gonna stop until it makes me stop and subsequently collapse on a heap on the floor. Migraine? Swirly and blurry vision? Thumping headache? Pah! Give me my computer, I have a blog post to upload! Now, where’s the mouse?

I’d say ‘I’m sure I’ll be right as rain soon’ if I didn’t care about tempting fate. Because I’ve just seen a big black cloud come overhead out of the corner of my eye and I’m now terrified a big fork of lightning is gonna shoot out and engage in the most unholy of dalliances with me.

More than anything else, I’m most worried about what strange occurrences may happen to me over the next seven days.

Gee, knowing my luck, I’ll probably wake up one morning this week having grown a pair of boobs overnight.

Not that I’m complaining about that…

American architect, interior designer, writer and educator, Frank Lloyd Wright (1867-1959), who lived to 91, once said, “The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s