The Never Ending Smile of Hot Tub Delight

Post CXC

Here’s the story of innovation, the devil, and a van.

Who the hell looks at a hot tub and a van and thinks a mobile hot tub is a good business idea? We’re in northeast England, for heaven’s sake! The only people crazy enough to have a hot tub in a cold climate are the Scandinavians. But here in England? It’s insane! Yet this week, I saw it. A van with ‘Mobile Hot Tub’ written on the side, adding, ‘Perfect for Nightclubs and Kid’s Parties’. Who has a hot tub at a kid’s party! Who has a hot tub at a nightclub! Who has a hot tub! It’s as superfluous to living in northeast England as sunscreen and mosquito repellent! If I ever meet someone, they invite me over for dinner and I discover they have a hot tub, I’m never going back. I mean, gee, what else to they have? A solid gold toilet seat? An android wife? Which is a pointless investment for one very obvious reason. She’s a robot. There’s no way she’d be able to use the hot tub…

But you know what, I applaud the efforts of the mobile hot tub duo. The two guys in the front looked like father and son. It’s clearly working for them. The van proudly displayed ‘Est. 1997’. Which, I know, to normal people, sounds like yesterday, but was actually 18 years ago. EIGHTEEN! If I met an 18-year-old girl and she wanted to sleep with me, well, who’s gonna turn that down? If she told me she was born in 1997, it would feel very wrong. Mind you, women don’t tell you their age. It’s not important. But I could easily impress her with offers of a hot tub, which I suppose is a good reason to have one. I mean, I’d have to rent it for the night, which is a bit tragic, but it’s like renting a suit for a date. At least you tried to impress her.

I don’t know why I think women would be impressed if you have a hot tub. I think in my town they’re not likely to believe you. “Oh, you have a hot tub, do you? Do you have a unicorn as well?” All I’m saying is that a hot tub may be a good investment after all. It’s a good a backup plan if a date isn’t going well, don’t you think? Like if it goes wrong after you ask her to pay for dinner. What? Surely that’s a part of the equality women crave…

I was actually at a hot tub exhibition last year. And you see – what? No, seriously, I actually was. It did make me wonder when a hot tub becomes a pool. Some of them could seat 30 people. You couldn’t even fit 30 people into the house I’m living in, never mind into the hot tub in the back garden. It did make me wonder if you could have too much money. If you could arrive at the point when you wonder what the hell you’re gonna do with it.

Now me, I’m sensible. I’d put it in the bank. I don’t care how much money I get I’ll always live within my means. I don’t like holidays or travelling. I’ll only buy the food and drink I need to stay alive. I’ll only buy things when I need them. The rest would simply be in a bank. And I’m okay with that because there’ll never be too much in my bank account. But I do wonder if I had much, much more saved up, would I be able to resist buying a working Dalek? Because I don’t think I would…

But it’s a slippery slope. As opposed to the non-slippery, gravity defying slopes. Next, a hot tub. Then what? I’ll end up taking out a million pounds, lining my bedroom floor with it and start rolling around in it (actually, this is on my bucket list – I really don’t care who’s money, I just really want to do this). It’s quite tempting. The lure of rubbing the money all over your naked flesh and shouting “I’m rich, in your face paupers, hobos and hippies!” I’d even be tempted to build an android wife. Because no real woman wants to sleep with me. Well, none that haven’t lost the will to live. In fact, no real woman even wants to kiss me. Or hug me. Or touch me. Or talk to me. Or acknowledge I exist. Can anyone else hear violins?

The thing is, there isn’t a single one of you reading who wouldn’t be tempted by the green paper devil. Unless you’re a Muslim or Buddhist who would quite easily be able to resist. But for the rest of us, it would be difficult. It’s a grey area because you can’t help doing well in life but you can throw it away. So restraint and gratitude are important life skills, I think.

Of course, you should be happy. Regardless of wealth or lack thereof. That dream hot tub might as well be a billion miles away, but as long as you’re happy, it doesn’t matter. Happiness is the greatest health one could have in life. Sure, there are downsides. From the big things to the most trivial things that cripple us for some reason. My favourite comedian announced this week he is stepping down from my favourite show later this year after 16 years hosting. I could not, genuinely, stop crying. I’m still in shock and with nobody to talk to, I don’t really understand why I’m so emotional. Thinking about it makes me sick. I’ve been kept awake at night by the thought of that show without him. And it’s stupid, I know. It’s just a television show and he’s not dead. And that’s the point. Life will go on. The world will not stop turning. Laughter won’t die and I won’t always be this sad. You gotta keep smiling otherwise you won’t make it through life in one piece.

And that’s the brilliant thing about that hot tub van. Imagine the meeting in 1997 when he came up with it. Imagine his wife! “Honey, I’ve got a brilliant idea for a new business – we’ll be rich, darling!” “Oh my God, we’re gonna be millionaires, husband! We’ll have everything we’ve always wanted! Go on, what is this brilliant idea?” “Ah, you’re gonna love it! I can feel the love radiating from your heart!” “Ooh, don’t keep me in suspense any longer!” “Are you ready?” “Hell, yeah!” “Mobile…” “Yes…” “Hot tub van!” “Oh Jesus, mother was right. I married a lunatic…”

But it puts a smile on your face, doesn’t it? The idea is insane but wonderful. I saw that van shortly after the news broke that the comedian I mentioned was stepping down. And it cheered me up no end. It put a smile back on my face. So keep smiling, readers. Always remember, there’ll always be something that can make you smile. And never forget that the world never stops turning.

Although it almost stopped turning for me when I discovered there was such a thing as a mobile hot tub van…

American comedian and satirist, Jon Stewart (b. 1962), once said, “If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

Peace Out :|:


I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.


Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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