Riding the Chakras of Interdimensional Lunacy


Here’s the story of the enumerator, models, and a Hindu.

I’m the first to admit it – I never seriously considered becoming a Hindu Priest until this week. Admittedly, I’m a Roman Catholic, but I’m always saying there are no barriers in life. But this week I encountered, genuinely, a job advert for a Hindu Priest. It’s hard to fathom the oddity of such an event for those of you not from my little town. It may as well have been a job advert for an… astronaut – chicken, stuffer. Apparently, the advertiser was trying to circumvent UK laws through a loophole of magnificent proportions. On the other end of the scale, I encountered two other strange professions this week. One was ‘traffic enumerator’. You know what they are. It’s like when they advertise for a ‘front of house’ position, when all that is, is holding a sign out the front of a shop. It glamorises proceedings. A traffic enumerator is someone who counts cars for the council. I’m someone who has the attention span of a glove. Honestly, I think I’m more use to society as a Hindu Priest…

The other profession I encountered this week was ‘female model photographer’. As you all know, I do love photography and women, well, gee, they are – human beings who shouldn’t be judged for how they look. What? Where did you think I was going with that? I turned it down. I was asked the question, “How would you feel being around a multitude of scantily dressed women every day?” Depressed, actually, because that’s probably as close to a scantily dressed women as I’m ever gonna get.

I’m probably the only man who would turn that job down. But, you see, I’m very shy. A trip to the shops may be as easy as pie for you, but for me, it’s a massive struggle. And I’m not good with women when they’re dressed. I seem to be stuck. “Aww, why are you so quiet, honey? Are you alright, darling? Aww, aren’t you really lovely and sweet?” Every bloody woman says that to me, and sure, it’s lovely, but you can’t get passed that. Seriously, once a girl calls you ‘sweet’ you’re in the friend zone for the rest of time. Just imagine that photography studio. I’d be shaking like a leaf. “What’s the matter, never seen boobs before?” Erm, no, actually. But they sure look swell…

It’s awful, but whenever I see a job advert, I immediately think ‘what would all those I knew at school make of me with that profession?’ You see? Porn baron? Well, didn’t expect that of you, Ally. Traffic enumerator? Yup, that’s you all the way, Ally. Oh, gee, thanks. You sure had high hopes for me. It shouldn’t bother me what others think, but deep down, it bothers us all. And you know what the worst part is? I genuinely don’t think I’d be a good traffic enumerator. I mean, what if a car does a U-turn? Do you count it twice? There is no induction! YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, MAN!

It must be like what Kirk felt when the crew of the Enterprise ventured into deep space – unchartered waters. In fact, that’s what being shy is like. Here’s a strange new world! Ooh, strange life forms! I don’t understand them, their culture, their language – anything, really. They may be friendly or they may be hostile. I sure got no way to know. Why am I captain of the Enterprise? I’d rather be a starship enumerator. I’m chained to this earthly abode until someone or something comes along and lifts the heavy weight from my burden. Or until someone comes along with a hacksaw…

But I haven’t been riding the chakras of interdimensional lunacy all week. At the beginning of the week, I felt like my head was about to be blown up by those things from Scanners. I don’t know what they’re called. Scanners, probably. It sure would make sense. I suppose not calling them ‘Scanners’ would be a bit like ‘The Fifth Element’ being about a cobbler. What were we talking about? Ah yes, Scanners. It’s a brilliant Canadian movie. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say…

I had a terrible migraine this week. Get about 20 a year, but that one was the worst I’ve ever had. I couldn’t even move for sheer agony. Oh my, I was crying. It was so painful. In retrospect, having a shower was a bad idea. I took three co-codamol and an aspirin. I’m terrible at self-diagnosis and medication, but I’d rather die in ignorance than go to a doctor. Three days that lasted. You have literally no idea how many shirts went unfolded during that time and how many shelves went un-dusted. Yes. That’s right. I fold shirts and I dust. Ladies.

This week, I also burnt the skin off the roof of my mouth, twice, stubbed my toe and had a sugar crash, which led to an unpleasant vomiting scenario in church. I also got the aspirin stuck in my throat and coughed it back up. I think you’re supposed to dissolve them in water but I was alone, there were no instructions and I’ve never taken one before. Seriously, this is why I should never live alone. Jeez, ma and pa haven’t even gone on holiday, yet. They do next week, by the week, to Amsterdam for a couple days. Leaving me home alone. So if you never hear from me again, I’ve probably choked to death on a slipper…

I’ll tell you something else, too, dear readers. This bloody world of ours has given me an even bigger headache this week. There I was, hoping for a peaceful 2015. It didn’t stay that way for very long, did it? What can you say? I think it’s important in life not to let anything get us down. No matter how much people hurt us, no matter how much we cry, no matter how much we mourn, we must always find the strength to stand up and unite against hatred. Nobody deserves to be murdered, no matter who they are or what they’ve done. The best human beings are those who live in defiance against lunacy and in the promotion of sanity.

I’m just one man. And I hope, at least until this final paragraph, that I’ve taken your minds, at least for a few minutes, off the tragedies that occur in our world. Hopefully made you smile. Because that’s what you gotta do. You gotta keep smiling. You gotta carry on. You gotta live your life. Because if you let those who commit atrocities get you angry, or worse – you retaliate – then they’ve won. But if you laugh in their faces and tell them that they can’t break you, then you will weaken those bastards and make yourself stronger.

And it starts here. Because I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let what’s happened this week ruin the beautiful world we live in. I’m gonna end this post on a happy note.

I might have found three unusual professions this week, readers, but it’s just occurred to me that I could do all three. I could be counting cars and conducting a Hindu mass at the same time. Can’t be that hard, surely. And as for the scantily dressed models? Well, the enumerator job was mainly outside schools, so the models will slow traffic down, and that’s good for the little ‘uns, no? Sure, you’d have scantily dressed women outside a school, but I’d have loved that in secondary school.

Honestly, the council should put me in charge of speed reduction…

American author, columnist and humorist, David Barry (b. 1947), once said: “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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