The Logical Carnival of Ancient Youth


Here’s the story of Noah, facial hair, and Spock.

“ARRRRGH! WHO’S THAT?” I said this week as I awoke and looked in a mirror. Admittedly, it’s not the greatest thing to discover first thing on a morning. But discover it I did. I don’t know how or why, but for some reason, lately, I’m definitely looking ‘older’. It’s very strange, indeed. It happened so suddenly. It wasn’t a gradual realisation at all. One night, young, the next morning, God I look really, really old. About 30. I’m terrified such an event is gonna happen again. Why, I could very well wake up tomorrow morning needing an ear horn, constantly asking everyone “What’s that sonny?”

Maybe it’s like Benjamin Button in reverse, which, to be fair, would be a movie akin to watching paint dry, but then again, the regular movie was like watching paint dry, so in actual fact, it’s nothing like Benjamin Button at all. Although I suppose one could argue that it’s easy to experience rapid ageing if one actually goes to see Benjamin Button because it feels like a millennium. That movie was an incredible three hours long (pretty much – certainly felt like longer). Such an incredible pace of age in such an incredibly short space of time. Or maybe all this is like Dorian Gray but in reverse. I’ve gotta come up with examples that work without clauses…

I don’t believe in sudden realisations. Everything is logical and happens for a reason, except sudden realisations, which are actually impossible and instead are the result of a careful series of random events. It worked for Spock and he was never wrong. Except in ‘The Galileo Seven’ when he judged an alien race based on Vulcan logic, which hardly applies here because I’m not Vulcan, although I am using a large amount of their logic and ideas, which would, to some degree, make me Vulcan. Oh, damn. Gotta stop undermining myself. And come up with better examples…

Maybe I just looked a bit off colour that morning. But this feeling of looking older certainly hasn’t dissipated. The only difference I’ve noticed is my facial hair. It has started growing at an alarming rate. I’m already getting that familiar shadow not long after shaving. A beard certainly makes me look like many things. Jesus. A bohemian artist. A hobo. Even Noah. And with all this rain we’ve been having lately, maybe it’s like those people who grow devil horns. Maybe there’s a great flood coming and I’ve been chosen. How did I do in my last example? Did I get that one right? What do you mean ‘no’? Plenty of people grow devil horns. Go away and Google it, and when you come back, I certainly won’t have fled to Mexico…

Being Noah would be an ever so difficult task. I mean, Russell Crowe did such a good job. Who better to wipe the Earth of sin and save a bunch of animals than a 50-year-old highly aggressive mad New Zealander? Who has a British daughter, for some reason. Even though they wouldn’t have spoken English in any case. Although I suppose many would argue that that isn’t the biggest logical fallacy in the whole movie, but it’s certainly the one that bugs me the most.

If a great flood was coming, and judging by our recent weather, I’m surprised one hasn’t, we’d get plenty of warning. I mean, you could say that God is omnipotent, like the Q from Star Trek (finally, a correct example). If He wanted to wipe us all from Earth, there are better ways and He would know that. A rock from space, for example. Although He certainly wouldn’t be able to stop Bruce from sacrificing himself to save us all. Although He could stop Aerosmith from making our ears bleed…

We’d get weather warnings and some of that really helpful advice our government gives us. Like during that heat wave a few years back when they issued a really important message regarding the heat wave. “Remember to drink plenty of water.” Oh gee, thanks. I had no idea. Grandma wouldn’t have been happy. She always said, “Drink tea when it’s hot – the sweating is good for you.” I’ve yet to see a doctor prove her wrong, so she may have been on to something.

Of course, there will be those among you who think I’m being silly predicting that a recent rapid beard growth is God choosing me to save humankind, and you are quite right. I mean, for a start, if you want to save humankind, choosing me would be a colossal mistake. But we still don’t have another logical explanation for this sudden realisation that I look older. What? Hey, I still maintain that my Noah theory is a logical explanation. Best one I have so far, to be honest.

I’m not sure, readers. I don’t think it’s a sudden realisation or anything of the sort. I think it’s a series of subconscious events that have led to the realisation that I am no longer a young man. And maybe I should start acting my age. Or maybe I should never grow old. Always remain young at heart. Which I suppose we all do, meaning that this whole situation is panic for nothing. I am getting very old, but maybe I shouldn’t worry at all. 24 is only a number.

What? 24 isn’t ancient? Get outta here…

Irish writer and poet, Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wilde (1854-1900), once said: “I am not young enough to know everything.”

Peace Out :|:

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Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
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Hark Around the Words
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