The Judgment of the Speedo Dunk


Here’s the story of Winslet, madness, and copious amounts of water.

It wasn’t the first time in my life that I felt like Kate Winslet. But it was certainly the ‘least weird’. I’ve only known rain like it once before. There was a constant stream of water flowing down my face. By the time I got on the bus, I looked like I’d just been for a swim. In terms of wetness. I wasn’t in my speedos. I probably would’ve been arrested for that. It’s important to remember the last time I experienced such weather I nearly fell into a grave sized hole. I must stress, I’m not comparing my plight to that of Winslet in Titanic. For a start, most of that movie is fictional. Pretty much the only bit that isn’t is the boat sinking. And they even got that bit wrong. Although I suppose that’s like saying you don’t like the paintwork in Jurassic Park. I also must stress, I’ve never worn a speedo before, primarily because I can’t swim, meaning if I were to wear a speedo, it would only be in a ‘non-swimming’ scenario, like casual-wear around the house. And if I did that, I’d be labelled a ‘mad person’. Okay, madder than normal. A ‘highly aggravated at the fictional retelling of what happened onboard the Titanic’ level of madness. Of course, that does raise an interesting question…

Who was watching me? In the house. Who was watching me? If I’m labelled a crazy person for wearing nothing but a speedo around the house, then who is the one labelling me ‘crazy’? Like in that Rear Window I’ve seen a hundred parodies of but never actually watched or read – delete as appropriate, I have no idea what it is. More to the point, if somebody was watching me, and they called me crazy, then what does that make them? Crazier? Who would want to watch me? I’m duller than Marty McDullington. The third. I must stress, I don’t walk around the house in speedos with a stranger watching me from afar. But I do know of at least one person that, at a time, had a shrine dedicated to me. I do have a photo of that, but for the sake of posterity, I won’t post it.

I do tend to attract nutters. A girl with pictures of me on her wall. A Goth. Even a dude, once, who would not back down. “How do you know if you haven’t tried it?” He once said. IT’S NOT BLOODY QUAIL! Some would argue all this is a bad thing, but I’m just grateful for the attention. That Goth girl was lovely. I even took a detention for her. I didn’t go to it. I believed I was standing up for what’s right. I don’t know why I thought that, it was a long time ago…

I am very much a one time person. If at first you don’t succeed – give up. I tried swimming once but nearly drowned and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. I also tried riding a bike once, but I fell off. To me, the most logical course of action was never to try either ever again. It makes no sense to go back to doing these two things if I simply have no need for them. Some people take the whole issue further, though. What if you need either of these two things to save your life? What if you’re in a car and it goes into a lake? I don’t have a car, for a start. And if it’s your day to die, it’s your day to die. And at what point in human history has riding a bike saved anybody’s life? Leave me be in my home wearing nothing but speedos and a top hat…

I don’t think I’d wear speedos if I were into swimming. Heck, when I go on holiday, I don’t even wear shorts. I used to wear shorts, but everyone kept commenting on my incredibly hairy legs. People always notice the thing that’s different about you. If any of us wear jeans 364 days a year, but on one day, wear shorts, everyone will notice there’s something very different about you. But everyone will comment on it. They can’t just accept the different-ness. “Ooh, you’re wearing shorts, let’s take a moment to judge your legs.” “Ooh, you’re wearing your hair differently today, I think somebody has a girlfriend!” WHAT? “Ooh, he’s a wearing a T-shirt today, I’ve never seen his arms before, ooh, look how thin his arms are – told you he wasn’t well.” ARRRRGH! LEAVE ME ALONE! THESE ARE MY LEGS, YES. THEY’RE HAIRY, WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS, YOU MAD WENCH! So I don’t wear shorts. Easy to see why, really.

You can easily follow similar rules of logic when it comes to going shirtless, which is also something you’ll never see me doing. Even when I was young and I was just dipping my toes in the hotel pool or on some floating thing on the water, I still wore my T-shirt. I have a very bony looking torso, with odd looking nipples and chest hair that looks more like a ‘landing strip’. It just naturally grows that way. My sister-in-law once told me that I was the whitest person she’s ever seen.

It’s not that I’m self-conscious, it’s simply self-preservation of dignity. I’m not at the social forefront of total ignorance to those who blindly judge us, I’m not brave enough – I am incredibly introverted. But equally, I’m not one to completely shy away. I’m in the middle. If I shied away, I wouldn’t go down to the pool at all. If I was at the forefront of total ignorance, I would go down to the pool completely naked. As I am, I went down with my jeans rolled up wearing a T-shirt.

It does have its drawbacks, sure. I was in New York City on the hottest day in over 20 odd years, with one report suggesting it hit 40 Celsius. I was sitting in the park next to the World Trade Site, under a tree, eating an ice cream (do try one if you’re there – they are delicious), in jeans, a T-shirt, with very long hair so frizzy it had congealed in the form of an Afro. I was very hot but I didn’t care. I simply didn’t care.

When I got on that bus I mentioned earlier, I looked like I’d had one of those claws from the claw machines pick me up, dunk me in the local river, take me out, and dump me on the bus. I have genuinely never been that wet in public. My very thick eyebrows were so heavy with water the individual hairs were pointing down, impairing my vision. My light blue jeans were navy. My jacket was so wet I had waterfalls running down my legs. And my hair! Oh boy, what a disaster. And my glasses were so foggy it was like walking through Victorian London. And everybody on that bus was thinking the same thing, you could see it on their faces.

‘He looks like Kate Winslet’.

If there’s a message to be gotten from this wildly incoherent post, it’s that one should not judge others before one has had a chance to get to know that person. We are one united human race. I just wish more people would remember that.

Although I think we can all agree, speedos are truly awful…

The 44th Vice President of the United States, Dan Quayle (b. 1947), once said: “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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