The Great Baguettesy


Here’s the story of baguettes, more baguettes, and Schwarzenegger.

You know an area is rough when even the baguette shop has bars on its windows. I mean, that’s an area where the criminals have simply gotten desperate and, madly addicted to crime, have taken to stealing baguettes. Of course, there is a very real chance it’s all a front for some vast criminal underworld. I mean, who would suspect the dear old humble baguette shop? But I much prefer the idea of it being just that little old baguette shop. I imagine the staff are packed to the teeth with rifles, fending off baguette stealing armed gangs. “YOU WANT TO STEAL OUR MOTHER****ING BAGUETTES? I DARE YOU TO COME AND STEAL OUR MOTHER****ING BAGUETTES!”

It’d actually be funnier if nobody was armed and a baguette sword fight broke out. If somebody filmed that and played it back in slow motion with ‘Adagio for Strings’ (Google it) playing over the top of it all, I would be eternally grateful to that person. Imagine the news reports. “We’re here today in a sleepy corner of Birmingham where a mass baguette brawl took place in this humble baguette shop behind me. The masked attackers are in hospital tonight suffering from concussions caused by a rather large baguette blow to the head.”

What’s the world coming to when a man can’t sell a baguette without fear of baguette thievery? “It didn’t have to end like this, man, I was only trying to sell baguettes.” The shop even had CCTV outside. One camera? Nope. Two? No. Three? No, still not right. Try four. FOUR! It was a very small shop. I’m pretty sure if someone steals a baguette, and tries to conceal it, it’s gonna be pretty damn obvious they’re concealing a baguette. Telltale signs include walking funny as the foodstuff is stuffed down a trouser leg. Or that suspiciously bulky looking scabbard (what swords are kept in). Then again, why would you take a sword into a baguette shop?

I suppose there is the distinct possibility that you’ve arrived in the future from the days of medieval knights and immediately decided to challenge someone to a dual. Why you would go to Birmingham in the future is anyone’s guess, unless your machine only travels in time and not space. More to the point, why would you challenge a humble baguette shop owner to a dual? I mean, okay, the knight’s time machine is a bit doolally – it threw you into a future world whereby you are surrounded by baguettes. Maybe the knight hated baguettes. And maybe the mentality for his era was a bit ‘dual-ish’. Of course, our shopkeep would easily win that dual. Remember, he has a rifle…

There is much wonderment surrounding our knight. How did he come to acquire a machine of time? And why did he pick Birmingham? Not Paris, London or New York? And more to the point, if this actually happened to you and you found yourself surrounded by baguettes, something you hated, why would your first thought be to attack? But there is a terrifying third option…

What if he’s from the future? When medieval fashion is in vogue? What if that future world has been taken over by giant sentient baguettes? OF COURSE HE’S BLOODY TERRIFIED! Not only is he surrounded by the very things that killed his entire family, he also has the responsibility to destroy all baguettes, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE, DAMN IT!

You see, this exact scenario is what I’d be thinking of if I saw a man in medieval garments tearing up baguettes in the middle of a baguette shop on the outskirts of Birmingham. That poor, poor man. His family brutally murdered by that vicious French bread. You know what, readers, I’d join in. We have to save the future of our world. If that means tearing up some baguettes, then let’s get tearing. It would make a great movie…

‘Coming soon to a theatre near you: Denzel Washington, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert De Niro star in the blockbuster event of the summer. “You think you funny? You think you can piss me off? I’m gonna show you baguettes a piece of my ******* mind, you ******* scumbags!” “No, Jason, it’s not worth it – this is what they want. Would you not rather we did some delightful crochet instead?” “Shut up Schwarzenegger!” Coming soon: The Great Baguettesy’.

There is something to be said for how wonderful baguettes are. No, actually, I hate them. I’m with Statham on this one. They can go to hell.

I actually left Birmingham two weeks ago, readers, as you well know. Across the street from my hotel, which was more a collection of bricks put together in a depressing form, was a row of businesses, and at the end, there was this baguette shop. Now, just in case they’re reading, I won’t name names. But when I looked out of that window, all of what you’ve just read is what I thought. But why tell you now? I wanted to get your opinion. Do you agree with those around me? Somebody told me this week I wasn’t normal. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with that.

And I ask you this, what in the name of all that’s holy isn’t normal about a slow motion emotional baguette standoff, a future medieval knight seeking revenge by wiping out the ancestors of sentient French bread, and an anti-baguette blockbuster starring the great and good of Hollywood plus Schwarzenegger doing a bit of crochet? Hmm?

Tell me what’s not normal about any of that!

American novelist, screenwriter, musician and critic, James Greer, once said: “Function? Why function? Who needs more functioning human beings? It’s really quite astounding, if you ask me, the sheer quantity of normal in the world today. I think that’s the real horror of modern life.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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