The Spontaneous Combustion of the Green Giant


Here’s the story of a gorilla, luck, and Melvin.

I don’t know whose idea it was to let me loose with a lawn mower, but they are a complete loon. We have a rotary washing line in our back garden. I had put it down before I could mow, but I couldn’t figure out how to. I was trying for ages. Had to find mum in the end. A small hitch, surely? I eventually started mowing. All was well. For a time. The cord wrapped around one of our garden ornaments. I didn’t see it fall over and smash into a million pieces, but I certainly heard it. But I carried on until I thought it was time to empty the box that collects the grass cuttings. Erm, sorta forgot to put it on. There was grass everywhere, I looked like The Green Giant. I spent ages sweeping up. Little did I realise, during my sweeping, that I had accidentally knocked off the end of the garden hose, causing quite a bit of water to flood the patio. I contemplated hitting it with my shoe, it often works when it comes to leaky taps. I instead decided to leave the back garden to mow the front. Needless to say, that didn’t go well, either. Oh, you know, the box fell off, causing a spray of grass to cake my mother’s brand new car. Which she wouldn’t have noticed if it was green, instead of brilliant white. I’ve had a difficult week, readers, is my point. I mean, I haven’t even gotten onto the tray I smashed or the shaving foam I nearly drank…

When I arrived back in the back garden, it looked less ‘Chelsea Flower Show’ and more ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’. I genuinely wish I was making this up, but I’m really not. It was just one of those days when everything went wrong, except with me, it happened on a comically desperate scale. I managed to clean up the mess I accidentally created. Apart from the ornament, which dad was… really not happy about. It’s his pride and joy that garden, especially since his retirement. But obviously, closing in on mid-60s is taking its toll. Mother and father both need help with our gardens. And honestly, when father asked for the 17th time, I agreed to do it. It wasn’t very long after that he immediately regretted asking.

They’re away on holiday for two weeks, so I’m home alone. What could possibly go wrong? I’m hoping I’ve gotten all the bad luck outta the way before they went, because if any of what’s happened to me this week occurred whilst they were away, it wouldn’t have been good. Unfortunately, dad has asked me to mow the lawns twice whilst they are gone. Mother has also asked me to buy a stamp and post a card. I’ve never bought a stamp before. I’m dreading that. I mean, I’m okay with the lawns, I know what I did wrong. But with the stamp, it’s unknown territory. It’ll probably spontaneously combust or something.

Leaking water has actually become something of a friend. And no, ‘leaking water’ is not the name of an indigenous person of the Americas. Which would be an unfortunate name. The shower screen is leaking. Literally, one hour after ma and pa left, I had a shower, and it leaked. What am I gonna do for two weeks with a useless shower screen? They didn’t leave me enough money to fix that! Honestly, I’m gonna have a shower one day and it’ll be like the great flood. My only option: escape out of the bathroom window, scuttling down the drainpipe. That’s my current plan if the worst happens. It’s a great plan. I mean, we don’t have a drainpipe there, but apart from that, it’s a great plan…

Of course, you may be wondering why the drain wouldn’t come to my rescue in this scenario. Ah, you see, I have long hair. Lovely long hair. I mean, so beautiful, but it comes at a cost. It doesn’t half clog the drain, and as every woman will tell you, no man on Earth will unclog a drain. I’m more likely to unclog my feet of clogs. There must be some sort of device that can capture hair but will let the water flow. My simple solution is to line the bottom edges of the inner bath with magnets and magnetise my hair. So as the water is flowing toward the drain, the magnetised hair is attracted to the magnets. Simple.

What impresses me is the scope of my little incidents. I broke a tray this week. Well, it was perched on the edge of the worktop, and I was taking items off it to put in the dishwasher. Looking back, I probably should’ve taken off the items closest to the edge first. The part of the tray over the edge had a half-drunk cup of tea on it, the last item to take off. I momentarily forgot about gravity and the tray and tea went flying. The cup didn’t break, but the tray did. Right in two. More importantly, I had tea all over the kitchen. It was on the ceiling, the door at the other end of the room – everywhere! The tray was over the top of the cup. How is it possible for the ceiling above it to be covered in tea? This is why you shouldn’t live with me. When I’m home alone, the rules of science don’t seem to apply. Which is probably why my magnet idea will work, come to think of it.

I feel like it’s a lot to ask to look after a three-bedroom house by yourself, and two gardens, without breaking anything. I have no idea why everything goes wrong around me. Right now, as I was writing this post, I heard an almighty bang from downstairs. I’m terrified to go down and see what’s happened. I’ll probably fall through the stairs or get attacked by a gorilla.

All I ask is that you light a candle for me when you’re next in church.

You know, I’m gonna miss mum and dad. I’m gonna miss dad’s terrible jokes. I’m gonna miss having company. I’d probably get a puppy of I didn’t hate them. Might get a squirrel instead. Or a tortoise. Aww, I love a little tortoise. I’d call him Melvin. Sorry, what were we talking about? Ah yes, the crazy world of me. Ah. Just two weeks. Gotta hold it together for just two weeks. Surely I can manage that, right? Right? Here’s hoping…

I think I’ll end this post with one of father’s typical jokes.

“I was once a tap dancer, but had to give it up. I kept falling in the sink.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s