The Delusion of the Alien Mafia Print Manufactures

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Here’s the story of Big Ben, Cockneys, and buttocks.

I could order a steak in a restaurant and find myself sealed in a crate in the middle of rural China before I’d even contemplate starting to question the whereabouts of my steak and why what I ordered was clearly not what I got. It would be about at that point they’d throw me into a dungeon full of rats before I’d muster up a limp, “Erm, excuse me, I ordered a steak.” I probably wouldn’t start to try to escape until the rats had gnawed off most of my left leg. I’m not good at interrupting people, you see. I mean, I went for an interview this week that could have been just for work experience or it could have been for a job. I genuinely don’t know which, but at no point during the interview did I feel like piping up and asking. Not even when he asked, “Have you any questions?” Needless to say, it didn’t go well. If I get it, I’m going to have to ask what the job actually involves. For all I know, I’ve just applied to be a stripper. I could’ve even applied to be a hitman and the print company is just a front. I don’t know what this is called, where you are incapable of speaking up in any circumstance. But it doesn’t need to be said that I am, right now, down in that dungeon minus a leg. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, readers. I mean, it’s almost like I don’t have a leg to stand on…

I’m not overly confident I’d make a good stripper. Heck, I’m even crap at paint stripping. Mind you, you could combine the two and create a fantastic new business. You’d get more money. Although if any kids are reading, please, give university a try first. I’d turn the job down if it were naughty stripping. I don’t think I’d look good in a thong, I mean, I didn’t last time. Did I say that aloud? Oh, huckleberries.

I certainly think the hitman scenario is rather less likely. But you never know in life. My biggest worry is that if it is a mafia front, then there’s no way out. I’m in the game, man. I’ve seen too much. I’ve already seen the BL400TE TT Printer Deluxe model. I mean, before you know it, I’m trapped in a world of tired and quite frankly offensive stereotypes and stuck marrying the don’s daughter. “I JUST WANTED TO GET INTO THE EXCITING WORLD OF PRINT MANUFACTURING, AND NOW I FIND MYSELF AT A BLOODY MAFIA WEDDING!”

You see, when you’re shy, you try your best to make your way in the world but inevitably, you find yourself being chased down the occasional street by a screaming bat wielding clown. Your mind can wander. I didn’t know who the interviewer was. Or what the company did. Or what the position available was. Something I still don’t know, even now. How do I know he wasn’t gonna kill me? Or try to make love to me? Or even, if he was an alien replicant from beyond the moon? That’s all I could think of on my way to the interview. What if he wasn’t human and would soon beam me up to his spacecraft to do experiments on me? I hadn’t prepared for an anal probing. You have to plan ahead for these eventualities, readers. And I should’ve done that. I would’ve taken a magazine to read to distract myself during the probing. What? Good behaviour may save me…

I think I think too much about things I think are not important to think about. I think that’s what all shy people do. I was genuinely contemplating the alien scenario in my head, as crazy as it sounds. Sure, I knew it was bollocks but it snowballed. One thing led to another and before long, my buttocks were clenching tighter than a nun’s pocket. These aren’t things you should be thinking about when attending an interview, are they? Maybe I’m not right in the head department. And admitting a problem is the first step to recovery. The second step is denial. So let’s move on.

I’m at a strange place in my life at the moment, sort of a crossroads from The Twilight Zone. ‘You find yourself as a crossroads of infinity, sat in the centre on a chair spinning at 1,000 miles-per-hour, knowing your only escape is… death. Or possibly the off-switch’. Mother and father returned from their holiday this week so I’ve managed to get out of my mini break alive. In fact, the only major disaster was the kitchen radiator blowing up, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. They next go away in around… two weeks time. Seriously. With me. And one of my brothers. To London for a week. So I have no idea what’ll happen to my three blogs while I’m gone. But I’ll promise you this, readers. As someone who hates London more than he hates wearing Tuesday’s socks on a Friday, I will try not to cry. To grin and bear the intolerant Cockney lunatics. Because, after all, I’m there to see my nephew. And my love for him is worth all the anti-northern crap I usually get fired at me when I’m down there in that London. And I mean that. Of course, if the Cockneys piss me off too much, I will not hesitate to punch their lights out…

I don’t know London that well because I don’t make a habit of going there. Because I don’t like it. I don’t know if you got that bit. But the hotel is pretty sweet. Right next door to that giant wheel. What is that called? Oh, I don’t care. I was sick on it last time I went on it. Ha, ha, ha. And on the other side is that bridge. You know the one. Outside the House of Lies and Broken Promises. I mean, Parliament. Oh, damn. I just realised something. I requested a separate room from my brother because he snores and I wanted a nice night’s sleep. But if I’m sleeping opposite Big Ben…

OH, FIDDLESTICKS!

American author, Jarod Kintz (b. 1982), once said: “I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”

Peace Out :|:


I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.


Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around The Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post


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