The Introverted Reflection of a Chaotic Farmer


Here’s the story of mothers, life, and brushing.

Some would argue brushing your eyebrows with a toothbrush is a sign of senility. But if that were true, then what does it say of one’s senility when one looks in the mirror and actually likes Colgate eyebrows? And more to the point, what does it say the following day when you wake up, much more rested, find two toothpaste shaped eyebrows imprinted on the mirror, and like the look of them reflected on your own eyebrows? I’d attribute it to sleep deprivation because this person fell asleep whilst looking in the mirror the previous day, causing their head to fall forward and slam against the mirror, leaving two perfectly formed toothpaste shaped eyebrows. In fact, ‘senility’ does our great elders a great disservice, because they don’t brush their eyebrows. They have carers; they know what they’re doing. No, this is youth senility. We are useless. What’s happening to the world when this mysterious person, who isn’t at all me, can’t even get the toothbrush in their mouth hole?

Of course, we’re not all brainless zombies. Many of us manage to get the toothbrush into our facial orifices. And then fall asleep, leaving one tooth perfectly white. I think it’s a guy problem above all else. We often do things we aren’t aware we’re doing, or are aware we’re doing but aren’t aware of the consequences. Women, on the other hand, are so pressured to look their best they can’t afford to make mistakes. Many men, if not all men, have punched or kicked a brick wall. They feel fine. Until the next time you see them, when they have their hand bandaged up claiming a sprain or a break. A woman would never have punched that wall. She knows she’ll end up with a broken hand. Men know it’s stupid. It’s not like the Berlin Wall. It has no significance. You were angry, there was a wall, it was the logical thing to do to beat the hell out of it. And trust me, it hurts.

Cracking your knuckles. I do that. It’s been scientifically proven to have no negative effect on one’s health, it does not cause arthritis. But honestly, it hurts like hell. I’ve stood outside for an hour in subzero temperatures waiting for a bus and cracked my frozen joints and screamed in agony. I’ve done that many times. I’m a complete idiot. But I’m gonna keep doing it. Like a real man does. It’s the way of all things. The circle of life. I have no idea what that means, it just sounds profound. So there.

Sadly, not everything is that easy. There are some things you do that cause untold hell yet you have to do those things. It’s like biting your nails. I do that. Causes so much pain but I can’t break the addiction. It’s impossible. I always go back, no matter how many times I quit, I relapse over and over again. My fingers bleed, and not just a little bit, but really bad blood. I’ve gotten seriously ill from infections. But I have to bite them, despite the hell it causes. And in a similar way, I have to face the fear of the big wide world.

It’s annoying being incredibly introverted, especially online where one can be oneself. It’s hard in that situation to convince people to have any sympathy for you because they don’t believe you. But I can assure you this, readers, when I need to go somewhere outside of my home, I feel a fear I can’t even explain. Beyond words. Apocalyptic fear. And when I’m outside, my heart races and aches, I’m sweaty, I’m pale, and I feel naked and like everyone is laughing at my tiny penis. And when I get back into my home, I spend hours banging my head against the wall, knowing full well that it is gonna hurt, because it wasn’t that bad. You can’t win being shy. Life is one huge, endless defeat.

It’s Mother’s Day in the UK. March 30. The clocks changed too in the UK. Also March 30. Bloody farmers. I like my kip. You have to go to bed an hour early, which makes you feel like a right prick, otherwise you find yourself falling asleep at 10 am mass on Sunday morning. And nobody likes to upset the baby Jesus. Bloody farmers. Even they say it’s unnecessary, yet the government won’t listen to them. THEY BLOODY LISTENED TO THEM BLOODY 100 YEARS AGO WHEN THEY FIRST BLOODY ASKED FOR BLOODY DAYLIGHT SAVINGS! Sigh. What’s changed? It’s ridiculous. And that’s what I have to say about Mother’s Day.

I had to do shopping. Spent the entire bus ride worried. Stood in the bank queue shaking, which isn’t something you want to do in a bank, not to mention the fact I already look like a serial killer. I interrupted the teller because I’m not good with people so I blurt out words in a random, chaotic order and hope the receiver doesn’t mind a face full of gibberish. I forgot the envelope. I got given a 10% beauty product discount, which was depressing considering I always look like shit. I nearly fell off the escalator. I walked into several people like an awkward ball in a bowling alley. I couldn’t get served. I walked into one shop via the exit by accident. I’m sure we’ve all done that. I know that’s not true, I just keep telling myself that to make myself feel better. A real purty girl served me in that shop, my age, nice smile, she was being really nice. I couldn’t even look at her. And for the entirety of the 40-minute bus ride home, a dog was chewing on my foot.

There’s no point in complaining because this is and always will be my life. The reason my humour is so surreal is because it helps to break up the daily monotony of daily monotonousness.

I do hope mother likes the gift card and chocolates I got her, I’m not good with people, so I’m not sure of social conventions on the best of days, never mind holidays. She complained on her birthday that I gave her too much money, so I’m not sure what she’ll say. It’s been an awful year for me and my family. Two divorces and a lost baby. And I know what’s coming too, and I know it’s gonna get worse. And the worst part? Being shy, I have no idea what it means and takes to be human.

I really do hope you have a great Mother’s Day. Tell her you love her. Or visit her grave. Or reconcile. Because you have no idea what that’ll mean to them. Women bring us into this world, and until the day we say our final goodbye, there’ll never be enough hugs to say thank you.

I mentioned at the beginning about brushing eyebrows, and I’ll come clean, that was me. I know, I know, it’s a shock; I kept it such a huge secret. It was a highly successful secret, too – what? Oh, you’d figured it out? Oh. However did you manage that? Yeah, we young ones might have all the get up and go of a shelving unit, but you know what? I don’t care. Because as difficult as life gets, the man who brushes his eyebrows with a toothbrush will always be better than the man who does not.

Take that, Plato.

Indian preeminent leader of Indian nationalism of British ruled India, Mahatma Ghandi (1869-1948), once said: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post

Hark Around The Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
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