The Battle of Birds on the Khazi


Here’s the story of hallucinations, sprinkling, and a nun.

Why do birds suddenly appear, sang the great Richard Chamberlain in the song, ‘They Long to Be Close to You’, all the way back in 1963. Ah, 1963. I remember it… not at all, actually. I was minus 27. I may have been nearing the end of a previous life. Heck, I may very well be dear old Chamberlain myself. Albeit he’s not dead, yet. Or he might be, and the one we have now is either a zombie or an imposter. He might be a nun in disguise. Sorry, what was my point? Ah, yes, I hadn’t made it yet. Well, aint that a swell thing? I was quoting the sudden appearance of birds. I think we’re being led to believe that’s something beautiful. Depends when they suddenly appear. If you’re on the loo and they suddenly appear, that’s gonna be an awfully frightful experience. Trust me, I know…

I would like to point out at this point that I have never actually had a bird suddenly appear in front of me whilst I was trying to tinkle. My immediate thought wouldn’t be of Chamberlain’s words, but more of, ‘This is it! I’ve finally gone craaaazeee! Woo! Come to I, oh mighty bird king, I shall serve thee for the rest of time!’ Well, you know what it’s like. You crack, you embrace it. It’s like making the best of a bad situation. You know, like that time you left your car window open during a car wash. ‘Well, at least I don’t have to have a shower tonight’. Or when the aerial snaps off and you pull over into that area with lots of other men trying desperately to reattach the implement whilst the children in the car turn wild and start to trash the interior. There’s no use. You won’t be able to reattach the aerial. Aha! Makeshift sword fight. There are lots of other guys there, so try it next time. It’s really fun…

I’m actually finding myself becoming more and more aware of innate crazitude. I’m starting to believe Mr. Chamberlain had a sudden attack of the birds whilst adorning his khazi. ‘So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold’, he sang. Sprinkled? Sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle… hmm. Sprinkle… tinkle. Tinkle… whizz. Whizz! Metaphor for… for, hmm. Urinating? Oh. My. God. We have proof, people! So what’s a hair of gold? He doesn’t urinate hair, does he? I’m actually wondering if an attack of the birds is a euphemism in itself. I’m not sure, readers, is my point. No, actually, I haven’t made my point yet. I was talking about birds.

I was reminded of that song. Reminded with supreme anger. Ever since when do birds come out at two in the morning? Actually, more to the point, when do they come out in winter? Are magpies winter birds? I’m not sure, but they have an awful lot of babies resting in nearby trees. And they chirp like a bitch, on the dot, every morning at two. It’s not a sweet thing, readers! Stop saying ‘awww’. No. Hey. Behave. Now, now, come on now. Stop it. It’s not sweet. It really isn’t. No. Quiet. Hush, now. By the way, when I say, ‘like a bitch’, I mean that it’s a real nuisance. Not, ‘like a female dog’. Sounds like something you’d see on The Prisoner. Impossible? Really? THEY HAD A GIANT DEATH BUBBLE! Case rests.

No, this isn’t sweet. I keep getting woken up. AND I HAVE EARPLUGS, PEOPLE! They don’t work! I don’t know who invited earplugs. Let’s call him, no, you know what, for the sake of equality, let’s call her Joanna E. Plug. What the hell was the point? They don’t work! I got mine from a steelworks factory, it doesn’t matter how, and if they can’t protect my little drums from the noisy chirps of those bloody baby birds, then what bloody use was Mrs. Plug’s bloody invention? Honestly, if I had a time machine, I’d go back to the day she had that breakthrough and I’d tell her not to bother. Become a cobbler. Because if you don’t, 100 years later, I’m going to get very mad at you and come back to stop you. And yes, this is a Grandfather Paradox, and yes, because of that, I’m probably ripping a hole in space/time, but you know what, love, I don’t care! THE BIRDS! THE BIRDS ARE AFTER ME!

They can’t be forgiven. They’re beyond forgiveness. They’ve ridden the forgiveness train out of town and off the edge of a cliff. And did it kill them? No! LIKE HELL IT DID! THEY’RE BIRDS! THEY FLEW AWAY! THEY’RE UNDEFEATABLE! But you can’t kill them, can you? Oh, no. The poor birds. The ‘RSPCA’ will be on to me. That’s their problem. They’re so busy with their collective head up the collective backside of every animal in the UK, that they don’t stop, remove said head from between said buttocks, and, oh, I don’t know, smell the roses inside of the… you know, that clogs their nostrils. Where’s the human protection? Sod the birds. I HAVEN’T HAD A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP IN SEVEN DAYS! I’M SEEING BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR IN THE BATHROOM! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

It’s lovely to wake up to birdsong in the morning. But not at two in the morning. And there’s nothing I can do. I said earlier that I had experience of dealing with suddenly appearing birds. Although that was a pigeon and it had flown into my bedroom. It kept doing it. So one day, I shut the window. And that poor pigeon smashed into said window, and was knocked unconscious. And all I could think to do was to laugh endlessly and uncontrollably. I’m not a cruel man, readers, but birds… birds push me over the edge. They snap my suspenders causing my trousers to fall helplessly to the ground exposing my poker-dot underwear. I can’t cope anymore, readers!

Do you want to know how bad it is? I’m writing this at three in the morning. There’s no point in trying to fall asleep. It’s like a Disney movie from the ‘40s, let’s say Bambi, in my bedroom, being played constantly on a loop as loud as possible.

So, is there a moral to this tale? No. I know you want one, but I can’t give you one. I’m in hell. So there.

All I can say is thus…


American actress, film director, producer and model, Drew Blyth Barrymore (b. 1975), once gave us these immortal words: “A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?”

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here To Read The Latest Post

Hark Around The Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here To Read The Latest Post


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