The Wonderfully Exciting World of Screws


Here’s the story of madness, condensation and hot pants.

People think I’m weird when they find my glasses in the airing cupboard. My glasses are often a source of frustration for me. I spend many hours a week furiously scrubbing the dirt off, seemingly always making things much worse. They don’t react to the normal laws of physics. Surely rain should clean glass. But with me, if often makes things much worse. I had the bright idea of putting my glasses somewhere warm. In the airing cupboard. Admittedly, from the outside, my method of ‘rapid evaporation’ seems fairly crazy. But it’s highly logical. The only downside is that I can’t see without them on so I often spend hours looking for them. It’s sort of a Catch 22 situation. I suppose one could argue that my life would be considerably better without glasses, but last time I didn’t wear them, I was nearly hit by a bus. Some would call that an omen.

I was on a bus this week, which is a pleasant change from one hurtling toward me. Most people were occupied by their phones. The ones with bells always amuse me. The owner thinks it’s ‘traditional’. It’s actually impossible because that’s not how a bell phone works. I have to restrain myself from lecturing the fool on the impossibilities of their decision-making. It angers me, if anything. As do the folks who have a latest tune blasting out every five seconds, clearly on volume 50 because they want the world to know how popular they are. And there are others who put it on vibrate. What has happened to the world? What vibrated one hundred years ago? Your spine as you rode down a cobbled street on a penny-farthing. Or the equally as obvious bed shakers, professionals hired to shake your bed to lull you to sleep. I think they were a real thing.

It just seems crazy to me what people consider ‘normal’. And, for that matter, why people think I’m ‘unorthodox’.

It’s not just the bell ringing, trance thumping, vibrating lunatics. There are people asleep, head on the glass and drooling down the window. There are teenagers not standing for the elderly. There’s always a moron with his music blasting in my ear, a young chap who’s chosen to sit next to me who carries a look of pure evil. There’s a baby in front of me pointing at me and giggling. Nowadays, they run riot and scream and the parents just argue that they are in the right to let it be. There’s some fella screaming in the front row in a foreign language, but because we’re British, we ignore him. He needs psychiatric help, people! And then there are the teenage girls and their clothes. Or lack thereof. They’re 15 and they look like harlots, even though they seem lovely.

There are young men behind me swearing and making rude comments about me. There’s a strange smell of fish. Turned out somebody had been to the fishmonger, bought some cod, and somehow forgot about it and left it on the bus. Even the driver, when handed to her, acted weird. She put it in her bag. “Ooh, that’ll do for dinner”, she said. She even pulled the bus over several times to have a cigarette even though the bus was full of crazy people! And all I could do was sit there and watch a young boy draw something in the condensation on the window. My best guess was that it was a highly unrealistic penis.

I don’t acknowledge that world. That world is dead to me. I got on that bus and I checked my ticket. Always do. Time of arrival and departure. The bus number. Just to check it was all in working order. Funny looks came my way. I cleared off the condensation so I could look at the beautiful autumnal trees and leaves on the ground. Funny looks came my way. Especially from a young girl opposite who was drawing love hearts on her patch of condensation. A look came my way, a look of, ‘Oh my gawd, he’s like, totally acting strange – not like, doing the normal thing – I think he’s in love with trees – oh my no, he’s so gay’. I tidied my extremely long hair up because it was windswept. Funny looks came my way. A little green insect popped up on my nearest window, I watched it and it made me smile. Funny looks came my way. I was looking at the many different screws in the seat in front. I like screws. Funny looks came my way. Actually, that one may have been justified.


I was attacked this week by a computer virus demanding money to make a case of ‘illegal activity’ ‘go away’. They accused me of downloading animal porn, a ridiculous notion. First of all, let’s get the most important issue cleared up. That’s illegal? That’s news to me. Second of all, what? What kind of world are we living in where animal porn is considered so normal that people are exploiting it for monetary gain? For me, that’s like a Victorian girl being ordered to pay money to make photos of her wearing hot pants ‘go away’. I think. That would never have happened. And don’t say to me it’s because hot pants weren’t invented back then. That’s nonsense. It’s a well-established fact that Charles Darwin invented hot pants.

Oh boy, the world makes my head hurt. This isn’t a fun journey. It’s pure hell. WHERE WILL THE MADNESS END? It’s got to the point now where I wouldn’t be shocked if I saw a monkey sitting on a bus wearing a monocle and a top hat reading The Guardian. I really wouldn’t. And is that safe? Is that a world we want our children to grow up in? Monocle wearing monkeys? Maybe the fact that I have to ask that question is a sign it’s already too late. The monkeys are here, readers!

Although it must be said that I do love a monkey in a top hat.

He, he, he…

American author, Jarod Kintz (b. 1982), once said: “Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows”.

Peace Out :|:

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the little bubble on the top right if you are on the Archives Page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here To Read The Latest Post

Hark Around The Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here To Read The Latest Post


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