Doing the Hedge and Potato Doodlebug

Post XCVIII

Here’s the story of Batman, achievements and screwing.

The greatest achievement in life is making it to the end. I heard that once. I think it was supposed to be philosophical but it was less that and more, erm, crap. That’s the word. Waking up each up morning and ensuring you keep breathing until you go back to bed at night is hardly an achievement. I suppose it depends on how one gets out of bed. If it’s a Wallace and Gromit style contraption exit from bed, then sure, that’s an achievement. If, like me, it’s more of a roll and belly flop onto the rug, then, not so much.

I think we’ve become numb to philosophy. People say all kinds of things and we buy them. Perhaps it’s a new age of spiritualism. Or a new age of dumbism. It’s not my forté. ‘If you’re going to tickle, use a feather not a whip’. Oh thanks for that wisdom. I believe it’s the anthem of sadomasochism. Probably the other way round. I’ll assume. Well, I mean, if philosophy isn’t my forté, it’s hardly likely sadomasochistic practices are going to be, either.

Of course, don’t feel limited in life. Try everything once. That’s my philosophy. Try everything once. Except stealing. And picking your nose. And screwing anywhere public. Although I wouldn’t say that to people doing it. There’s nothing more frightening than a angry horny naked man. And, of course, you should never try to pee up a lamppost. I mean, fair enough, you need to go, that isn’t the issue here. The issue is that the lamppost is cylindrical so your pee will ride the curve and come back to you. Not recommended. Come to think of it, try everything once isn’t a great motto. Your prerogative to live life how you want. Pee up as many lampposts as you want, for all I care.

I was thinking about life’s achievements this week whilst standing on a shed roof, like Batman surveying Gotham except I was surveying other things. Well okay, Batman and I are hardly similar in that respect but I’m sure we are in many other respects. Dressing up in leather. Erm, no. Having a secret cave. Erm, no. A crap sidekick. Erm, no. Cool car. I don’t even have a car. Ooh, ooh, I’ve thought of something. We both rock a good belt. Mine doesn’t actually do anything but it looks pretty snazzy. The only thing it’s not good at is keeping my trousers up, but I think because of its snazzy factor it’s excelled itself in other areas.

I think we’ve all had moments on the shed roof surveying our hedge and potatoes. Not a euphemism, by the way. I failed to grab the potatoes as they came tumbling out. Again, not a euphemism. Just assessing things. We’re cutting the trees soon so it was a two in one job. Hopefully the tree cutting will go well. If you don’t hear from me next week, then I’ve probably fallen through the shed roof. Again. And seriously, that actually happened once whilst I was cutting the trees.

Was it my greatest achievement in life? I survived a vicious lightning storm, once. Well, I say vicious. It was more mild. I say lightning. Heard plenty of thunder and saw many bright lights but I didn’t really see any actual bolts. I say storm. Just really heavy rain that lasted about five minutes. But I was a child and it was scary. But then, it’s not really an achievement is it? I just kept breathing. Not that hard to do. Well, it is for me because I’m an incredibly unhealthy lump. Less like Batman, more like Robin. Oh, doodlebugs.

Other achievements? I passed my driving test many years ago. That was fun. No, wait. Terrible. I remember first driving on a motorway. I was screaming. Sweating. Pale. Shaky. All over the road. The instructor was yelling. Death’s icy breath was coating my neck in a thick oozy slime. I was only going 35 miles per hour. Yes, okay, it was a 70 zone, but I was trying, damn it. Unfortunately, I’ve never driven again. Not fond of driving. Not very good at it. My instructor was very calm most of the time, though. He didn’t even shout at me the time I found myself driving on the pavement.

Other achievements? I graciously accepted a blogging award this week. First of all, I’m not going to go on and on about it. I’m not going to do a big acceptance speech where I thank my family and Jesus. I’m quite humbled about it. It’s taught me something. A true piece of philosophy.

You can have as many achievements in life as possible. You can have as few as possible. Yes, staying alive during a lightning storm isn’t much to shout about. Falling off my bike repeatedly when trying to learn how to ride it, with one such occasion resulting in I flying through a garden fence, preceded by a dramatic and ungainly roll along some rough concrete, was obviously a failure. Me being a terrible driver and never driving again was obviously a wasted endeavour. All these things are attempts. Some successes, some failures. But both of those things are achievements. It’s better to try and fail than to never have tried at all.

This blog is my achievement. It’s not much, it’s tiny and dilapidated, and could really do with a new roof, but it’s something I’m proud of. The greatest achievement in life is making it to the end. Where is the end? That’s the question I was wondering on that roof.

Knowing me, the end will probably be in the shed in around three days time as I fall through the roof.

American historian, professor, attorney and writer, Daniel J. Boorstin (1914-2004), once said: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire public relations officers”.

Peace Out :|:


I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the little bubble on the top right if you are on the Archives Page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.


Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:

To Contrive & Jive
Does Your Age Defy Your Years?

Hark Around The Words
Arefaction/Disemvowel


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