The Comely Wall of a Madman


Here’s the story of strangeness, boredom, and insanity.

Here’s a fun trick. Well, I say ‘fun’. It largely depends on what your definition of ‘fun’ is. But if you’re as bored as I am, you’ll like it. It’s a neat endeavour involving your hand (behave, children). I’m not exactly sure on the science of this, but there’s a nerve of some sort that you can render useless. And it really freaks people out.

Hold your right hand out, fully outstretched. Put it in front of your face sideways on. You should be looking at your right thumb. Bend your middle finger down whilst trying to keep the rest of your fingers upright. It’s very difficult to do and it hurts a little. You won’t be able to keep the straight fingers completely upright. With your left index finger, flick the very tip of your right middle finger repeatedly and as quick as possible. If you do it correctly, you might now be reaching for something to vomit into.

It’s the sort of thing you’d tell a niece or nephew. Along with the practical jokes such as ‘cling-film over the toilet seat’ and ‘post pictures of your drunken sister passed out in a humorous place all over her Facebook page’. Oh yes, not all modern technology is Orwellian.

The exercise to disable that nerve describes me perfectly. An exercise clearly born, among thousands equally as insane, in the dreamscape of a nude madman slathered in jam wearing a hemp bowler hat dancing around a flaming ‘k’ from the remains of an Ikea sign with an open umbrella stripped of its fabric in his left hand. He’s called Astraltrance and he works at the Co-Op. But he’s beside my point. A point that I’ve so surely forgotten.

I would like to make it perfectly clear that your disabled finger nerve paralysis thingamajig is only temporary and causes no lasting damage. I hope. You should be fine. If you do lose your finger, don’t worry – you’ll always have the memories. And isn’t that what’s really important? Actually, I imagine that the thought now in your mind that you could lose your middle finger is actually causing all of you to use it perfectly well against me.

This exercise describes me perfectly because it’s something you only do when you’re bored. When nothingness can only be defined by nothingness itself. And that, my friends, is probably the most profound and mind-altering line you’ll read all day. Either that or ‘stupidest’.

It’s a time when you make work for yourself. Tidy up. Play with my finger. Feed the goldfish. She died four years ago. Ah, right, I remember now. I’ll get her some flowers. She’d have liked that. Ooh, my guitar. Ah damn, I can’t play her. I’ll see if there’s an app in the app store to teach me. Oh. They’re all a bit crap. Unless I get some money fast. To the internet!

Get rich quick schemes. Donate fluids. Hmm? No, I can’t bestow the burden of a hundred more me’s on the world. I know! I’ll start a business! I’ll, I’ll – I’ll start a customizing business! I’ll modify something easy and small – THIMBLES! I could have my own moving picture show hosted by that rapper fella. Oh my joust, it’s gonna be fabulous, darlings!

It’s days like these I really need someone to crack me in the knackers and tell me I’m a cardigan fool. Anyone interested? No? Am I talking to a wall? I feel like that quite a lot.

Hello wall. My, aren’t you shiny today? Your texture is wonderfully silky smooth today. So, still supporting the beams? Wow, you’re branching out into foundations, too? Impressive. Is everything okay? You’re looking a bit wooden.

Why did everything just go quiet? Crickets chirping? It’s a good joke. The wall is made of wood, and – oh, never mind. There’s just no pleasing some people.

I’ve been incredibly bored and tired lately, feeling trapped inside this house. I know I don’t come across as shy, but if you met me, you wouldn’t recognize me. It’s difficult to live.

You know, this week, I had a bus driver go right by me. Didn’t stop. It was one degree Celsius at 11 in the morning, quite warm this time of year for the northeast of England. 20 minutes in that freezing cold, so cold my nipples had fallen off and new ones had grown back in their place. I had students from the local university on their graduation day (at the town hall where the bus stop was) tormenting me. I was so overjoyed to see the bus and the driver didn’t stop. And what do I do? Nothing. Because I was unable to do anything. So I waited for the next bus. 20 minutes later.

I’ve had a mixed bag of emotions this week. I felt anger toward that tinsel-tickler of a bus driver. I felt joy toward seeing a little two-year-old relative who I haven’t seen in five weeks come into my bedroom and trash it. Bless him. So cute. And funny. I felt sadness as I attended a funeral of an old head teacher. I feel misery as I start to get my sixth cold of the year. I felt agony as I got my seventh migraine of the year (it’s been a bad year). And I feel confusion as my path in life is now blurrier that ever.

And here I am now, releasing all this insanity I have bunged up inside in your general direction. I do hope you can forgive that, dear readers. It’s a sign of love, really. Well, that’s what I tell myself.

It’s been a strange week, to say the least.

American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker, Jim Rohn (1930-2009) once said: “The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy”.

Peace Out :|:

Site News: all change – the Home page has been redesigned and has a new look, the About Me & the Blog page has been updated and added to, the Blogroll page has been updated and added to, and the Site Map and Contact Me pages design have been updated. The I Fought The Law pages will be brought into line with the new design shortly.

(I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post by clicking here and scrolling down to the bottom of the page. Feel free to check out my second and third blogs. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks)


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