There’s a building in my town centre that I’ve often hated for its bewildering door policy. There’s nothing overly contentious about them, they’re just baffling. There are six glass doors. Frosty glass. You know the type. I imagine. For some reason, they only have one unlocked door at any one time. But there’s no sign to tell you which one. Oh, no. You have to guess. ‘Is – it – erm, is it – is it door number two?’ It’s stupid.
But it gets worse. Oh, yes, you thought their stupid door policy ended with the ‘different open door policy’. Oh how I wish that were true. Because not all six doors open the same way. Oh, no. They’re all capable of going both ways, but they also have a lock on them that means they can also only go one way or the other. So, after you’ve been through the trauma of trying to find the unlocked door, now you must face the uncertainty of whether or not said door opens both ways, outwards or inwards. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into that door or got a rather heavy glass door to the face.
So now you’re thinking, ‘well, interesting story, I bet that’s the end of it’. Oh boy, no. The Magical Doors of Oz have one more trick up their sleeve. They don’t open at all from inside! There’s a tiny light-switch type thing on the far right side that unlocks them. But it’s only temporary. You press it, there’s a buzz, and it unlocks the door for about ten seconds. You then have to run to the door you came in by to try to get out. But they change the doors every ten minutes. The unlocked one you came in by is now locked and they all open a different way! What the hell! If there were a fire, you’d be buggered. You’d have to start flinging your shoes at the glass to try to break it. And that’s preying the shoes don’t have any rubber on them and bounce off the glass and clobber you in the face.
Away from shoes, I was on the bus this week. There was a bee onboard. I was in the compromising position of being the only guy anywhere near it. All the girls were like: ‘ARRGH! IT’S A BEE – THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!’ Now, as a man, I couldn’t say the same thing. There was a three-inch long and one-inch wide colossal super bee right next to my head. All the girls, seriously, had fled and were hiding at the back of the bus. I wanted to do the same thing, but I just sat there, cool as anything. ‘A bee? So what?’ I think I got away with it. What girls don’t realize is that men are just as afeared by bees as they are. It’s a ridiculous macho thing. I was tempted to break the mould and scream in a high-pitched tone, but I thought better of it.
Of course, the highlight of my week went to a trip to the dentists. I like my dentist. I’ve had the same one since I was four. I really don’t get why people don’t like the dentist. I mean, what is so odd about a strange man fondly ones teeth? Hmm. Some things in life are better left a mystery.
“I smiled and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time ”, said American author Jarod Kintz.
Peace Out :|:
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