‘It Takes A Long Time to Grow Young’, said the late Pablo Picasso.

Am I the first person to realize that both Scotland’s could be independent by the end of the decade? Allow me to explain. Captain James Cook, one of many famous people born in my hometown, was a very famous explorer who led a great and memorable life before going nuts and cooked by pissed Hawaiians. During his life, he became the first European to see an island he called New Caledonia. Caledonia was the Roman name for Scotland, and he named the island he saw such because the northeast side of the island reminded him of Scotland. Now, we all know Scotland or ‘Old Caledonia’ is holding a vote in 2014 for independence, but what most people don’t know is that New Caledonia will also be holding an independence vote between 2014 and 2019. So, by the end of the 10s, we could have two independent Caledonia’s. Imagine what will happen when the Scots find this out. My word, they’ll be even more smug. All will work out though. Losing Scotland would be a massive hit for England, which will please the French who hate us, but losing the French dependent territory of New Caledonia will be a massive hit for France, which will please the English who hate France.

There was a birthday in the family this week. My mum hit a grand old age that she wouldn’t appreciate me telling you so I’ll just say it’s 50 plus 10. Mum and dad went to Prague, which left me here alone to slowly fall apart. Thank God, they came back. The house almost descended into a scene from Mad Max. I can report that my parents said Prague was lovely. I mean, I wouldn’t go. Why go anywhere when we have Google Street View. Ah, Street View: an agoraphobic paradise.

I never tell people when it’s my birthday. It’s a very common thing to do. When I was in school, people either held firm to the belief that school was amazing on your birthday because you could hang out with all your friends, whilst others held firm to the belief that school was lame, man. Sucks to the law. It’s my birthday and I’ll enjoy it away from that crap factory. So, I know you are dying to know, which belief did I follow?

Actually, there are two problems with these beliefs. One, I couldn’t go into school on my birthday and have fun with my friends because they’re imaginary, and two, because my birthday is in the middle of summer and I was never in school. I probably should’ve started with that one.

I’m not a misery. What most people do in life is get many friends in primary school, and have birthdays and eat cake and have lots of fun. They grow up and learn how to function in the world as they learn from their friends, family and situations they find themselves in for having all this joy. They start going out with people, getting drunk and high, and smoking whatever they can set on fire. They get in trouble with the law; they move into secondary school and get so many more friends. They’re on Facebook, YouTube, the one with the cat, all these emails. The internet. Phones. TV’s. Apple this, that, the other. Hubs and hives of social awesomeness. They go to college. Make more friends. Their world is amazing. Yeah, it has ups and downs, but there is so much joy and love. Their hearts are filled with stupid hippy ideals. They go to university. Wow! How much more perfect can my life get? Even more drugs, cigarettes and parties with what passes for music these days. Sexual experimentation with Jules in the hobo bush. Then you leave and the world you find yourself in isn’t so happy.

Why am I not a misery? Because none of that happened for me. The friends I had never came over, not even on my birthday, and they never got me anything. I lost them all in secondary school. Haven’t had a proper friend since. Don’t know how to function in the world. I struggle with the simplest things. Never had a girlfriend, been on a date, asked a girl out or even kissed a girl. Never been in trouble with the law. Never smoked a cigarette, done drugs and I never drink alcohol. Don’t know what Facebook is. Got my first email address in 2010 and I’ve hated it ever since. Don’t have a cell phone. Went to college but they all hated me. Never went to university. And as for the sexual experimentation with Jules in the hobo bush – ahem, the less said about that the better.

I got thinking about my birthday this week, my 22nd this year on July 19 and why I’ve never really celebrated it. So I took the chance on this latest post to try to explain why because no one’s ever really understood why. Well, I hope you do now. Because I’ve been feeling a bit glum, I’ll end on a funny quote:

“Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin’s musical influences are, in fact, Middle Eastern in origin. Yes, mainly Shi’ite”, said the late, great English jazz musician and broadcaster Humphrey Lyttelton (referenced in Post 28).

Peace Out :|:



  1. Hey Ally, who’s birthday is on July 19. Sorry your feeling glum :( I hope you start to feel better soon. Glad your folks are home to keep you from resorting to desperate measures to feed yourself. ;)

    • Oh, I have no problem feeding myself, it’s just all burnt.

      I think I’ll be feeling better soon, although I swear one of these days this site is going to give me a heart attack trying to work out how to use it. I would’ve pulled my long, luxurious hair out if it wasn’t so lovely. That’s why I been feeling glum.

      But it’s worth it. Probably.

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