Post XXV

Five Billionth.

The Human population is rocketing. The belief is that it was kept under control by disease and famine but since we started feeding the hungry and curing diseases, the population has gone through the roof. However, I seem to be, from reading many articles on this, the only one who has realized that this has inadvertently caused the famine to return. You see, with a population boom comes increased pressure on the planets’ resources and, currently, there is a global food shortage. I’ve been saying for years that you can’t get rid of one thing without getting rid of its opposite. Everything is in balance like that, but nobody believes me. We started feeding the hungry. Population boomed. No food. People go hungry. Nobody saw that coming. Solution? I don’t know. Ask Al Gore. He knows everything. Well, he thinks he does.

Yes, the population is on many people’s minds. I can’t help but think the UK isn’t helping. Highest pregnancy rate in Europe. In fact, my hometown has the highest rate in England. 174 pregnancies per 1,000 women aged 15-17 in 2009. I’m wondering why our population isn’t higher from people emigrating here. It’s like a flipping hippy commune in the ‘70s. And our pregnancy rate isn’t the only issue. Immigration is higher than ever and it is putting an unholy amount of pressure on our resources.

But I’m not going to complain too much. It’s lovely to have so many cultures and religions here, even if we don’t agree with each other, which we don’t, it doesn’t matter because they are great people and wonderful friends. I don’t know what we’re going to do about it or the pregnancy rate, though. I mean 174 per 1,000. What the hell are parents teaching their kids? Has sex become so devalued now? Oh, who cares. Times are changing. Or have changed. I don’t know. I don’t even know what day it is.

I don’t think I’m contributing to the problem. No women would let me touch her with a 10-foot barge pole. Except this one girl. She was lovely. I really miss her. And this other girl. And quite a few others come to think of it. No, I’m a model human being. Stop laughing. No, you won’t find me fornicating in the club toilets like those 174 per 1,000 youths a ridiculous amount of times every night ending up without a single clue who the bleeding dad is, ultimately resulting in a killer episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show (kind of like The Jerry Springer show but with less dancing and more whores).

I was number 5 billion, 310 million, 298 thousand and 63rd person alive when I was born, and the 80 billion, 377 million, 479 thousand and 950th person ever born in the whole of Human history. I think that’s special. I’m a member of the Five Billionth Club. I imagine that idea will take off. You know, like when people have these stupid clubs they belong to because they think it’s ‘cool’ or ‘trendy’ or any number of other modern words I truly don’t understand. I think everybody could be part of their own ‘billionth’ club. We could get together and have a party once a year. We could have it in China. Nah. That’s a stupid idea. I don’t like parties.

It’ll be a virtual club. We are a special and rare breed. Well, not ‘rare’. That’s quite the wrong word. It’s like the opposite of the Mile High Club. Don’t get me started on that. Well, since you mentioned it. Everyone wants to be in it because it’s ‘exciting’, ‘naughty’ and ‘a great way to spice up the marriage, dead since the kids came along’. It’s not any of those things. So many people are doing it, it’s as dead as the aspirations of that marriage. But there is another reason. Why? It’s impractical. It’s uncomfortable. If you get caught, you’ll be arrested for public indecency. People shouldn’t be doing that for an adrenaline hit. Take up a hobby. Go tobogganing. And don’t tell me you can’t do than on a plane.

I am fully aware that I have a whiff of ‘old fart’ about me. But I think traditionalists are dying out. We have traditions to preserve our culture. Now we are entering a new era of promiscuous youths. I’ve been around them. Every one of them has done drugs. Not me. Every one of them has smoked something or other. Not me. Every one of them has had sex. Moving on.

Anywho, it doesn’t change that special number. I’m Human number 80,377,479,950th and that is just incomprehensible to grasp. It’s so incomprehensible it’s unbelievable. But I like that number. I like being the 5,310,298,063rd person alive on July 19, 1990. I could end on a cheesy line like ‘but just as special as number 1’ but I think I would lose all respect for my brain.

‘If you want to steal money, don’t rob a bank – open one’, said Bertolt Brecht.

Peace Out :|:

(There is a link to my daily micro-blog on the left of this page and much better older entries of this blog on the ‘Archives’ page. Please be sure to tell people if you enjoyed this, please ‘Digg’ the best posts, and please ‘follow’ to get updates of the latest posts. Thanks).

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