Post XIX

This Is A Serious One. No Mention Of – Oh Wait, I Can’t Mention It.

Tick, tock. That’s was all I heard as I sat in the big, empty house waiting for somebody to call, waiting for someone to come tapping at my door. Each tick a memory never to be realized. Each tock a dagger in my heart. Sat alone in that big, empty home, all I thought was ‘why complain’ when there was no one to listen to my cries.

For all my life, I have tried to fight against the inevitable. I have tried to force people to see from my perspective but no one listens. Falling on deaf ears is an understatement, grandiose austerity from the silent voice in the corner. I’m struggling. I’m really struggling in this big, empty home. I go to do my training, people smirk. I come home, stare at that phone and wonder if I’ll get a call from a future self to slap me and tell great times are ahead. The problem is, an introvert over analyzes, over thinks and over judges. We are a species of prejudicial morons. I’m not being stupid. I know I could have great things. But I’m shy. All I think about is why they are impossible. It’s a brick wall, and one truly nobody understands.

Everyone I’ve met in life always says the same thing – when you wake up tomorrow, wake up with a smile and you’ll have all the confidence in the world. If that worked, I’d think I’d be rich. It isn’t a switch. It’s too late for me but for the love of God, the next time you bump into someone who is even a little shy, don’t prejudge them. These are some of the world’s greatest people, greatest artists and greatest writers. Even the ones who aren’t are heroes for putting up with the years of abuse. It is not a switch. None of us can turn it off. We aren’t superheroes. Leave us alone. Treat us as you would treat others.

I knew a girl once (I know, remarkable) and she treated me like everyone else. I nearly cried. All my life I fought everyone I met to meet someone like her and I finally reached that goal. Now she’s gone. No longer a part of my life, but for two years, she was my sister. That’s all we want. A friend. We can’t return the love but we try. We get out of bed each morning feeling like crap and we struggle on by. Go to the shops. Hardest thing in the world. I did that yesterday. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I was sweating. I could hardly breathe. Bullies did this to me. My blood spilled almost every night for five years because I couldn’t defend myself and I forgave them. I know. I’m a stupid, stupid boy.

I’m not enjoying this training course I’m on. Of course not. The cards are in the air, the deck has been dealt, every metaphor has been tortured. Paperwork every night and I go home, tidy and care for this big, empty home waiting for my parents to return and then I sit in front of the TV and think. I fight tears just wondering what may have been. Wondering what would have happened if those bullies had left me alone rather making me feel like I was dirty. I’m sorry if I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. But this is who I am and I am sick of being treated like dirt. Just one moment. Just once, I’d like to feel human.

I don’t complain. I try to be selfless. I accepted who I was and I’m proud of that. But I know, more than most, how hard life is for us, our only voice this internet where we can be ourselves. Where we can joke and make wisecrack comments just to feel important. This isn’t me complaining. You don’t want to see what that’s like. You don’t want to hear about all those times I collapsed in the shower in a fit of tears with a heart empty of rage like some kind of idiot. We are being attacked. We are judged for being normal. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. If you’re that one person, just one person, that is all it would take just to make one shy person smile. Say hello. That one person at school, college, work – wherever. We’re like old people. We just want someone to talk to. You never know, you may make a friend for life.

So there it is. One desperate rant over with because I’ve been meaning to say this all for a long old while. I just wish people would understand that I’m telling the truth because I know it doesn’t seem that way. Believe me; I wouldn’t lie about being bullied. I almost never mention it because I’m ashamed of it like I did something wrong.

I am happy. I know it doesn’t seem that way but I am truly happy. I have a home and a family I adore and that’s more than I could ever have dreamed of. I’ll get a job, hopefully soon, and I know it’ll be hard but I think about my future home, the first family house warming party and how amazing it will be. I’ve just felt a little sad this week. Most people my age (21) do feel this way at some point. It’s like the whole world is crashing down on my shoulders and I’m struggling to keep it aloft. But I’ll manage. I’ll cope. I always do. I don’t know how, but I’ll think of somet’.

Peace Out :|:

(If you want to read more, even though this is a weekly blog, there are countless other entries on here you could go through. Starting from Post 21 [the one after next], every 10 posts I’ll be taking down the earlier ones. Be sure to tell people if you enjoyed this and please ‘Digg’ the best posts. Cheers).

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. It’s hard when you can’t make friends because you’re too shy to talk to people so you know you’ll find all the things you want difficult to achieve. You just have to keep that hope that one day it’ll all work out. I really hope it does all work out in the end for all us shy people.

    • I think one of the things I’ve found in life is that anything can change a situation no matter how impossible that may seem. I think the forums over at Shy United give shy people a belief, hope and optimism that they are not alone. This in itself creates confidence and helps all shy people push toward the goal of integration into a society we find difficult to be in. Little things are what make a difference.

      • It’s sometimes easy to feel like you’re the only shy person in the world so it’s comforting to know that you’re not as strange as you though, others feel exactly the same way you do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s